Contributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality who rants on sex, dating and pop culture while living at the corner of urge and merge. Find more from him at his blog.
This question came from a letter to my “Need Wood” column:
You have to help me. You are my last resort. I am 25, and have the sex drive of an 18-year-old. My boyfriend of almost seven years is 32, and has the sex drive of a 60-year-old. It seems like the only time we have sex is when he is in the mood, or when I am almost “forcing” him to.
I can usually get him into the mood by doing different things to seduce him, but he is never the one to initiate sex. We have tried several different things, with no improvement. What can we do to get his sex drive up to where it should be?
At 32, he should be stuffing you like a Thanksgiving turkey every time you gobble. I seriously doubt there’s a medical problem but you gotta start there. My advice isn’t going to work for something like diabetes or low testosterone. Honestly, I’m not that good.
Have him bring a list of all medicines he’s taking, prescription or not. Everyone knows anti-depressants can heave your ‘ho right out the door, but did you know that popular over-the-counter drugs like Tagamet, Zantac, Benadryl and Aleve may do it too? Any drug that affects your hormones, nerves or blood circulation has the potential to make Willy Nilly.
If he goes to the doctor and finds out you’re the only problem he’s got, then here’s what he needs to do:
1. Have “Flicker Stage” Sex. High libido people report dramatic stirrings in their stomachs (among other places) while low libido people don’t. That means horn-dogs like you get dramatic physiological triggers (raging hard-ons) that demand a response. Or at least, a mouth. But low libido guys don’t get those kind of noticeable cues. Typically, they don’t get hard until they have sex. Even when they’re turned on, they’re more likely to feel burning coals than raging fires. That’s why it’s important that he initiate sex on the slightest impulse. Ask any fireman—a spark is all you need to turn wood into a spectacle.
2. Don’t wait for the mood to strike, strike into the mood. Imagine going to the gym only when you felt like it. You’d get so fat waiters would hand you an estimate. To prevent that most people have a routine—they knock back an energy drink, crank up the music, and do a few warm-ups. Just like your boyfriend figured out how to get himself to the gym when he doesn’t feel like pumping iron, he’s gotta figure out how he gets himself to bed when he doesn’t feel like pumping you.
He can start by telling you what makes him hot under the collar. Is it a massage? Porn? Sudoku? Whatever it is, get good at it. If you want more sex, you’ve got to get better at making his cucumber rise out of the salad. Pay attention to what he responds to and make mental notes. Be his idea of a great lover, not yours.
3. Have sex even when he doesn’t feel like it. Almost everybody’s experienced a time when they didn’t feel like having sex, “gave in” to their partner and ended up having the time of their lives. He needs to do that. Not always but just enough to understand you can start out not wanting it and end up not getting enough. Having sex when you’re not horny is like eating food when you’re not hungry. Sometimes a sniff of the hot dog makes you want to put the whole thing in your mouth.
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