Why is it always, ‘Which one is the man?’

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imageAlix B. Golden started her life as a Carolina Girl, but matured into a Georgia Peach. This freelancer dishes on sex, relationships and dating often revealing more than she should about her own life. Read more from her at A Brown Girl.

When I started really socializing in the lesbian community, it was with my first girlfriend and other couples. All of the couples look the same. Stud and femme. There was no variation of this couple. There was one person that was obviously feminine and the other was very obviously masculine.

When that relationship ended, I realized there were so many different types of lesbian relationships. I claimed the label femme back in those days, and I was always said I would never date another femme. I believe that relationship would be filled with physical jealousy, too much estrogen, and constant neediness. Boy, was my mind screwed up!

The more I socialized in the community, the more I learned. I dated femmes and realized I was wrong. In every relationship there will be someone that is more dominant, more nurturing, more compromising. It’s that kind of balance that makes relationships work.

Which one of you is the man? A question I heard a lot when I would introduce my femme girlfriend.

It is popular to believe that gay/lesbian relationships mirror straight relationships. There has to be a man and a woman. There has to be someone making the money and someone raising the kids. Someone wearing the boxers and someone wearing the thong. Someone pitching and another catching. Right?

Femme-femme relationships aren’t taken seriously. I’ve had plenty of studs ask what it is that we do in the bedroom. As if lesbian sex can’t be had without a masculine participant. Sound familiar? It’s the same kind of attitude men have when they see lesbians together.

Stud-stud relationships are treated with disgust. I’ve heard studs call it gay. No one wants to picture what they are doing in the bedroom (except me). Even studs that seek these type of relationships often feel uncomfortable with it.

One thing I would always notice when I’m out partying with the white lesbians is that they date who they want. It doesn’t matter what the girl looks like, what her percieved role maybe. If they feel attraction, they act on it. And no one seems to care. Why is it such an issue in the black community? Is this internal homophobia?

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