‘Wanna prison rape me?’ and other Grindr no-nos

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More than one million Grindr users log on to the cruise app every day and spend about 90 minutes looking for that quick fix. Or “friends.” Yet many of them still don't grasp proper Grindr etiquette. So let’s review the basics.

Don’t have a profile picture? Don't expect much.

I’m not even going to deny the fact I’ve met some of the hottest hookups of my life by way of talking to guys who messaged me without profile pictures. But that accounts for about a quarter of the guys without profile pictures who have messaged me who have been worthwhile. And they only caught my eye because they were  “straight,” closeted, and/or married. Most people prefer to cut their losses by ignoring anyone who doesn’t at least have a body picture. Headless torsos are only slightly better than no pic at all.

A picture of an inanimate object is an automatic no.

You could be the second coming of David Karp and no one on Grindr would give you a second glance if your profile picture is of a vase, the tiling in your bathroom or some scenic landscape from your vacation. Use a photo of you running across a fire pit, like this guy. It's original, proves your jock creds and leaves the locker room selfies to the dull muscle heads.

At least feign cordiality.

I get that it’s Grindr, but seriously, don’t message me with—and I’m quoting from actual initial messages I’ve gotten—“Wanna prison rape me?” or, “You and a friend wanna [bareback] me. Sling is all set up.” Both statements make me cringe. And the latter pretty much cements my belief that I’m not the only person you’ve ever proposed that question to and that lack of sexual discernment makes you doubly as nauseating.

'Masc only'

Nothing makes me want to knee someone in the balls more than seeing this headline, besides…

'Whites only'

Last time I checked, it’s 2013, not 1953. I get that in the same way some people are inherently attracted to other races, others are dissuaded from them. But the difference is that one is a fetish and one is a prejudice. Even if, in your mind, you find yourself turned off by people of a different race, don’t publicly proclaim it, if only so you don't make yourself look like a complete jackass. The option to ignore or block someone is made abundantly clear, which will prevent you from coming across as a complete (albeit racist) douche.

Empty threats don't help your chances.

Offering up “I’m deleting my profile in a week” doesn't make you more desirable. It's especially true if you’ve set a date and you’re still active on Grindr three weeks later. People on Grindr are unnecessarily pompous, considering they’re trolling a noted hookup app. If you’re looking for sympathy, you’re not going to find it on Grindr.

Be reasonable.

Here's a reality check: Do not try to seduce those who are very obviously out of your league. In terms of biopsychology, we’re mentally programmed to be attracted to those that are, at a purely superficial level, close to our own physical make-up, meaning if you’re middle-aged, 100 pounds overweight, and covered in body hair, don’t expect a 21-year-old hairless twink to be interested in you.

With these basic rules at hand, you’re now at least decently-equipped to navigate the labyrinth known as Grindr. In the words of Jesus himself, “Go forth, my sons, and spread batter”…well, it wasn’t so much “batter” as “banter,” but you get the gist. Or jizzst.

Need some more dos and don'ts for finding your Grindr love quest? We got you.

Lucas Witherspoon also blogs at Lucas Lascivious.

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