Too many LGBTQs trying to read minds on dates and apps

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Q: After a long-term relationship, I’m back out meeting people, having fun and going on lots of dates. As you might imagine, some are duds and some are studs.

I’ve been off the market long enough that I forgot about so many games and jumping hurdles. Did he just try to pull a bait and switch? Is this a date or an interview? What did they mean by this comment or that?

Afterward, how long should I wait before texting or texting back? Should I bother texting a second time if there’s no response? How much flirting is too much? When should I bring up sex?

Speaking of sex, I might be DTF on a first date, and I might not. Are they? How can I tell?

Even when a date seems to be working, it’s work. How can I curb my over-analysis and just have fun?

Dear Amazing Kreskin:

I’m not a mind-reader, but I can predict frustration – until you realize that you aren’t a mind reader either.

How can you tell what they mean, feel and want? Ask. Communication is key to easing your mind, learning more and paving the way to potentially getting closer.

Unlike a job interview, you’re not required to answer every question. Cut through the crap and confusion with questions of your own. Not sure what they mean? Get clarification.

Maybe there actually is an ulterior motive in something they said. Crack open passive-aggression with direct action: “I’m not sure how to respond. Tell me more.” You can even straight-up ask, “What do you mean exactly?”

Most people will clarify, and when they do it’s fine. When confronted, schemers will reveal themselves pretty quickly as well.

Sexual politics can be complicated. Hormones and attractions affect emotions, our insecurities and confidences collide, and the other person’s do too. Fortunately, communication is at the ready again. Say how you feel and what you want. Ask how they feel and what they want. If you don’t match, it’s better to know than wonder.

The same goes for texts. Relax, be yourself and communicate based on that, not on what they might or might not be thinking. Feel like texting? Text. Keep it simple and light. Want a response and didn’t get one back after a day? Send it (and drop it if you still don’t hear back).

“Hey, I’m still thinking of you. Are you interested in getting together again?”

They might say no. Good, you can move on. They might also say yes. Good, you can move forward.

When taken logically, there is nothing to lose and everything to gain by being direct. Ask, listen, follow up, and nearly everyone will show you who they really are.

Illustration by Brad Gibson

The Q is intended for entertainment, not counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected].

This column also ran in Q ATLus Magazine. Read the full issue here:

Pick up QATLus each week at LGBTQ and allied venues around Atlanta, and find fresh content right here every day.


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