The 8 types of Instagram gays to avoid

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Grindr isn't the only social network with a specific set of jackasses to go along with it. Take Instagram. Fabulous photo sharing tool? Undoubtedly. Loaded with insufferable users? Indisputably. Let’s examine a few of the worst gay offenders.

The 'Model'

That anyone would feel validated enough to self-proclaim themselves a model because of their Instagram account is as delusional as those who list their work title as “model” because they work in the mall at Abercrombie & Fitch. You are not a freakishly tall 14-year-old Ukrainian girl and flattering angles combined with becoming filters do not a model make.

The Bro

Akin to the same guys who give the “masc. only” disclaimer on Grindr, these guys are total douchebags. They want you to know that there's so much testosterone pulsing through their bodies that it elicits copious amounts of pictures of them decked out in T-shirts emblazoned with the logo of their favorite sports team, doing keg stands, and, perhaps worst of all, showing off their multicolored collection of croakies.

The Excessive Hashtagger

Somewhere along the way, people have forgotten that the intention of hashtags is to allow you to mark important keywords as a means to group together posts about a specific subject. That means when you post a picture of something as mundane as a tree, you don't need to include excessive and irrelevant hashtags: #tree #nature #green #leaves #warmweather #gay #gayboy #lgbt #sexy #ilovesummer. Trees are not sexy, Mary Katherine Gallagher, unless you truly are a dendrophiliac, in which case more power to you, I guess.

The Amateur Drag Queen

Don’t get me wrong, I quite enjoy posts from my drag friends, the ones that put effort into makeup, hair, outfits and routines. But when your idea of drag is wearing a two-dollar wig,  throwing on an unfortunate shade of eye shadow, and slapping some rouge on those lips, it’s not only disheartening for me to see, but a travesty for the entire drag world. When you’ve at least mastered the basics of contouring, then we’ll talk.

The Wannabe Baller

With these guys, at least 90 percent of their feed is consumed with pictures of them in front of cars that are usually not their own, toking, flashing cash, and maybe throwing in a few photos with guns for good measure. Besides the reality that you’re unwisely publicly documenting yourself partaking in illegal activities, no one is going to be fooled into thinking you’re a gangsta when you drive a Camry and have stacks because you asked your bank to cash your paycheck from RadioShack in 20s. Just keep it real.

The Foodie

I’m not even going to pretend I’m not guilty of occasionally posting pictures of various dishes I’ve made. But what I’m talking about here is people who post photos of the food they’ve ordered at a restaurant or post boastful photos of food that a small child could make. We are all capable of going to Outback and ordering a ribeye or boiling noodles at home. If your food is aesthetically noteworthy or you’ve just whipped up Straciatella from scratch for the first time, by all means, feel free to share. Otherwise, no one will be disappointed if you keep it to yourself.

The Pseudo-Inspirational Guy

The only inspiration the Pseudo-Inspirational Guy’s insistence on saturating your feed with banal quotes provokes is the desire to punch him in the face. He’s constantly posting photos of a sunset or rolling landscape with phrases like, “Don't lose hope: when the sun goes down, the stars come out” superimposed over them. The only thing worse is when the overlaying text is a Bible verse.

The Pet Owner

Since pets are basically the equivalent of kids for a lot of gay men, it’s understandable that some would dote on them. But just as I don’t care to relentlessly see pictures of my straight friends’ children doing inane things like diving face-first into a plate of mashed carrots, I’m equally as unenthused with perpetually seeing photos of your pug drooling on your sofa, which, by the way, I will never be sitting on again.

That said, if you're one of the seven types of guys my pants drop for, then you get a little slack when it comes to Instagram. But just a little.


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