Opposite sides of sexual two-faces and what to do about them

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If you’re flipping the sexual coin and messing with people’s emotions, the two sides of your desire reveal more about you than the people you’re blaming.

Q:

There’s a disconnect between my one-night stands and the guys I actually date. I tend to date sweet guy-next-door types but have sex with naughty guys who nobody in their right mind would ever take home to Mom.

The truth of it is that good guys just don’t turn me on. At all. I try to turn my carnal desires toward them, but end up inventing excuses. I’ve gone directly from one of these dates to one of my dependable bad boy booty calls, where I find no trouble diving right in, so to speak.

I want to settle down with the perfect man with the perfect life – kids, white picket fence, the whole nine. I’m not going to land that guy if I can’t picture him as the object of my desires. What can I do?

Dear Imbalance:

This is a queer twist on the classic Madonna-Whore Complex. No, not that Madonna. Stay with me here.

The MW Complex centers on the juxtaposition of emotional attraction to Nice (“Madonna,” as in the Virgin Mary) but sexual attraction to Naughty (“Whore”). For those with the Complex, these attractions are mutually exclusive.

It’s said that some people feel guilty for having super dirty thoughts about someone they otherwise hold in such high regard. You’re not the first to want an upstanding spouse in the streets and a ravenous slut in the sheets.

The first step toward making an adjustment is to accept that no real human can live up to your idealized standard of “perfect husband.” On the flip side, there’s something missing when you consider another person solely as an object.

The day you stop glorifying either of those impossible standards is the day you take a step toward seeing the naughty and nice in every potential relationship.

 

Q:

I can make sweet, sweet love to my man like some John Legend song wants me to, but when we hit the go-go bar, my inner animal comes out. I want to play rough with my favorite stripper in the VIP room and toss him aside like a used dinner napkin.

Should I worry about my different sexual sides?

Dear Two Face:

Just like the letter above, purity and sluttiness can both be turn-ons. There’s zero shame or guilt in recognizing your different sexual sides.

Since you’re not holding back from a “Madonna” in favor of a “Whore” or vice-versa, sounds like you’ve got a good handle on playing both sides of your coin.

Should you worry? If you’re asking because your patterns create friction in your relationship, there’s an answer. If there’s psychological tension within yourself, explore that.

Q Advice is for entertainment, not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This column also appeared in Q ATLus magazine. Read the latest issue online here:

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