Red flag: When declining sex reveals his fragile gay ego

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“He said I sent mixed signals, and that he doesn’t have time for games — all because I didn’t drop everything and drop my panties.”


I was at a gathering and ran into a guy I’ve dated a few times. He was feeling his cocktails, and we were both enjoying him being a little frisky in public.

He made a few drunk comments about marrying me and getting serious. It was sort of awkward since I was more sober than him, but mostly it was kinda cute. I even expressed my own interest in moving things forward.

At the end of the night, he wanted to go home together, and I declined.

I’ve had issues in the past with mis-matched levels of alcohol, and his extra servings weren’t doing my attraction any favors. I didn’t say that and just kept it light, figuring he could go have fun and I’d see him another time.

After ignoring my texts for days, he went off. I was clearly not interested in him, he wrote. I sent mixed signals because I didn’t “seal the deal.” He also wanted me to know that he is grown and doesn’t “have time for games.”

He had been fuming apparently since the party. I tried to diffuse and re-express my interest, but he kept snubbing those attempts while circling back to three points — I didn’t go home with him, I wasn’t ready for him, and he was too mature for it.

Before this, I really liked him. Should I give him time and try again?

Dear Red Flag:

Time out! Flags on the play. Huddle up. This player showed you who he is. Believe it.

His drunkenness is less an issue than his reactions when sober. Getting tipsy and handsy is nothing new, and unless it’s indicative of an ongoing problem, it’s probably fine.

Still, the field is littered with flags on the play:

He has you questioning your own experiences and choices. It’s an internal diversion from his own shortcomings.

Anyone who continually reiterates how grown up they are, isn’t.

His ego took a blow after he made “all the moves” and didn’t get laid. It is perfectly OK to decline sex for any reason or for no reason.

It’s not mixed signals to express attraction and decide that sex is not on the table — for one night or forever.

Demoting you from marriage material to curb trash in one swoop proves it was never about you.

Dating is not a contest to see who is more interested. For someone who doesn’t like games, he played this one and lost.

Someone who offers the silent treatment while determining your motivations without your input throws up the final red flag — with “Run!” written on it.

The Q is for entertainment and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]Illustration by Brad Gibson.

This feature appeared in QATLus magazine. Read the full issue online here:

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