Public sex and getting caught with your pants down

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Your dream lay isn't what you hoped, and making your fantasies actually happen could put you in danger of arrest or worse. Try applying a dose of reality to both.


I fantasized about this guy for years, and finally I hooked up with him. First thing he did was put on a condom for oral sex. I was like, seriously? And believe me, he was serious. The only way I was getting that D in my mouth was with latex on it. 

Issues. Stigma. Fear.

To top it off, the member in question was so nothing special. All those fantasies for nothing but issues, issues, issues. So not worth it.

Why can’t I find one decent guy for life, without hang-ups, who is also fantasy worthy on the sexy scale?

Dear Deflect:

Speaking of issues, everyone has them, and yours aren’t about a lack of sexy, decent guys. 

You can’t try to fix this man’s knowledge or lack thereof about HIV transmission or anything else. 1. You don’t know him, 2. It’s not your job, and 3. You have your own concerns to address.

Start with your fixation on looks and “special” penis requirements that you deem “worth it.” Did you fantasize about him because you knew the person behind his appearance? If you had, maybe you’d already know about his sex preferences and practices.

You ended a sex-only story by asking whether he was also a good person worth a relationship. If you’re in it only for the sex, fine. Have conversations in advance about expectations, or carry your disappointments from one guy to the next. 

But if sexual compatibility with uber-hot guys has been your main precursor for dating, rethink your approach.



I can’t get enough sex in public places. I’ve done it across our great state in restrooms and parks, and I’ve done bus stations, cemeteries and even a church pew one time (Sadly, not during a sermon).

I love the risk of getting caught as part of the titillation, but actually getting caught probably wouldn’t go over well at work, or say, with my family and friends. How can I still enjoy the adventure but avoid the actual threat?

Dear Caught:

About half of people say they have had sex in public, and another 10 percent say they fantasize about it. Since it’s that popular, I couldn’t stop you if I wanted, but I will reiterate that the thrill in the risk does come with a very real risk in the thrill.

Going to jail could totally happen. Arrests have been made several times in Piedmont Park alone when people engaged in oral sex in full view of an officer. Those cases play out very publicly in the news.

That said, there are a few things you can do to minimize your chances of literally getting caught with your pants down, not to mention vulnerable to actual danger. Scout out places with privacy, some cover and a wide vantage point that allows you to see anyone approaching. If your preferred spot doesn’t have a good view, consider getting someone to play lookout.

Dark alleys, deserted building sites and late-night transit stations draw characters more unscrupulous than yourself, so hide your valuables or don’t bring any with you. In restrooms, find the kind with two doors. When someone enters the first door, you have a few extra seconds before they come through the second.

The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This column originally appeared in Q magazine. Read the full issue below, and pick up a new edition each week:



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