Project ‘Idol’: Wednesday’s Orlando Auditions

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imageAfter Tuesday’s disastrous Chicago auditions, I wasn’t expecting much from Orlando. More than 10,000 auditioned, and 31 made it through to Hollywood, but we only saw a few of those.

Instead, we got shortchanged on the celebrity judge, since the hilarious Broadway and television actress Kristen Chenoweth (top photo) was only there for one day of auditions, and we saw a bunch of mostly middling singers. Sigh.

Queen of the Night: Theo Glinton sashay-shante’d into the auditions looking like a bird had crashed through his windshield and into his face. There was a feather stuck to the side of his head, lots of glitter and a flowing scarf. It was a little too Lady Gaga meets “Silence of the Lambs” for me, dawg. After shouting Pat Benatar’s “Heartbreaker” and being dismissed by the judges, Miss Ryan Seacrest helped Theo take off his glitter. Insert your own joke here.

Sob stories: Seth Rollins is a charisma free zone, but he seemed like a nice guy, and he had an adorable, autistic son. The judges were effusive about his version of “Someone to Watch Over Me,” but I thought it was just OK.

Shelby Dressell was born with nerve damage to her face, leaving her droopy lipped, but the judges thought her cover of Norah Jones’ “Turn Me On” was good enough for Hollywood. I disagree.

You’re no Blake Lewis: Jay Stone tried to sing “Come Together” and beatbox at the same time. Then he sang “Ain’t No Sunshine” while the judges beatboxed for him. I have no idea if he can sing, but he’s annoying as fuck. You can blame Kara if he makes it through Hollywood week.

Private dancer: Cornelius Edwards learned his dance moves from strippers, and he landed a split so hard that it made my nuts ache. He ripped the crotch out of his jeans, and the judges thought it was hilarious, so they put him through to Hollywood. Oh, yeah, and he sang a few bars of “Proud Mary” and sounded like a Wookie.

Jersey girls: The DiSimone Sisters – Bernadette and Amanda – would make a great cabaret act at a supper club in Seaside Heights, but their shtick didn’t impress me much. Bernadette’s “Hit the Road Jack” was slightly better than Amanda’s “”I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” but not by much. Hopefully, MTV was watching, because these two would be great on “Jersey Shore 2.”

Security alert: Jarrod Norrell must have smoked too much of the bad shit on his drive down from Marietta, because after his hacking-up-phlegm version of “Amazing Grace,” he got belligerent and refused to leave until the po-po came and cuffed him. And since Jarrod just lives up the road and might read this, I thought you were fuckin’ awesome, dude. Please don’t kill me.

imageWho to watch for in Hollywood: Jermaine Purifory (bottom photo), who unsuccessfully auditioned for Season 7, did a smooth version of Tony Bennett’s “Smile.” He’s cute and has a commercial R&B voice.

In a montage of good singers, I noticed Brittany Starr and thought her cover of “Put Your Records On” was one of the better auditions, but we got to see so little, it’s hard to tell.

Matt Lawrence spent four years in jail after robbing a bank with a BB gun when he was 15. I wasn’t expecting much from this country boy, but his cover of Ray Lamontagne’s “Trouble” was actually great. Kara predicted he’d be in the Top 12. I wouldn’t go that far, but he’ll do well with the Fox News crowd.

Next week, it’s on to LA with guest judges Katy Perry and Avril Lavigne. Blech.

Collin. Out.

imageCollin Kelley is a poet, Atlanta-based journalist and author of the recently released novel, “Conquering Venus.” Follow him on the Modern Confessional blog at collinkelley.com.

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