Project ‘Idol’ Tuesday: Top 9 sing the Beatles

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If you watched “American Idol” last season, you’ll remember that even a crop of halfway decent singers mangled The Beatles’ catalogue. So, I had absolutely no expectations for tonight. The performances ran the gamut from boring to nearly perfect and all stops in between.

Here’s a tidbit: According to Vote for the Worst, a guy named Zach from Atlanta has been posting flyers of the shirtless photos of Tim Urban at “spots filled with gay guys” around the city encouraging them to vote for the only “hot guy” on “Idol.” Here are the flyers and write up.

imageAaron Kelly: As soon as Miss Seacrest said Aaron was singing “Long and Winding Road,” I nodded off. As Yoda (Aaron’s nickname) would say, “boring the hell out of me you are.” Bland, bland, bland.

Katie Stevens: She looked like she just came from a Hot Topic shopping extravaganza and offered to go to prom with the guy who voted for her the most (oooh, boy…desperation is ugly). Her vocal on “Let it Be” was fine, but she just can’t get away from the pageant stench that clings to her like polyester eveningwear. The judges were busting nuts over the song, but I was just meh.

Andrew Garcia: He performed “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Too bad he can’t buy some votes. Or a new pair of glasses. Or a haircut. As for the performance, it was just like being on the lido deck of the Love Boat. I need to talk to Julie McCoy about sitting at Captain Stubing’s table…

Mike Lynche: “Eleanor Rigby” happens to be my favorite Beatles song, and while Big Mike’s vocal was serviceable, the fussy, pseudo-R&B arrangement made me want to crawl through the television and kill the band director. Ellen and Kara loved the “drama” of the arrangement, but Simon called it for what it was – too over the top. Although it was funny when Mike challenged Simon to a moob-off.

imageCrystal Bowersox: Mama Sox had a little bit of a cold, but her cover of “Come Together” backed by a didgeridoo (that might be an “Idol” first) was, no surprise, effortless and totally rocked. She is head and shoulders above everyone else on the show.

Tim Urban: I was expecting his cover of “All My Loving” to be the hottest of hot messes, but it might have been his best performance on the show to date. I mean, sure, he’s totally cheesy in a Brady Bunch sorta way, but Middle America eats that shit on crackers. Keep smiling and flipping that hair, pretty boy.

imageCasey James: A bluesy, soulful cover of Lennon’s solo “Jealous Guy” was one of Cougar Bait’s better performances. He appeared to be channeling some personal angst, which always helps elevate the emotion. Was it the best of the night as Simon suggested? No, but he’s just behind Mama Sox.

Siobhan Magnus: Dressed in one of Cyndi Lauper’s cast-offs, Siobhan gave an almost torch song version of “Across the Universe,” and she didn’t scream. She finally bought a vowel and solved the puzzle. I thought it was swellegant. The judges were giving a mishmash of conflicting critique, especially Kara. Siobhan got all tearful talking about what the song means to her. Some goon in the back named Earl who’d been yelling at Simon all night got to come up on stage to fill some time and hug Siobhan.

Lee Dewyze: Deweezie and Andrew are having a serious bromance and Crystal got the best shot in of the night, suggesting they get married and have a bunch of “Danny Gokey babies.” HA! Lee gave a coffee-house worthy performance of “Hey Jude,” complete with a guy in a kilt playing bagpipe. What the fuck was that all about? Ellen wanted to know if the bagpipe player had wandered away from a parade. It was truly weird.

So who’s going home tomorrow night? It’s a tough one. I’m going to say the bottom three are Katie, Andrew and Aaron.

Collin. Out.

imageCollin Kelley is a poet, Atlanta-based journalist and author of the recently released novel, “Conquering Venus.” Follow him on the Modern Confessional blog at collinkelley.com.

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