Project ‘Idol’: Top 6 Sing Shania Twain

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Kara DioLaguardiaAirport’s favorite partner in cougardom, Shania Twain, was back Tuesday to mentor the Top 6 contestants on “American Idol.” Tonight’s theme? The Shania Songbook.

Because I’ve got the hook-up (OK, I found it on the Internet), I saw the song choices earlier in the day, and immediately had a WTF moment. No one picked her fun 90s hits such as “That Don’t Impress Me Much” or “Man, I Feel Like A Woman.” Even Shania said she was disappointed. Epic fail.

Instead, they picked the slow, snoozy ballads with lots of earnest staring into the camera and draping themselves on staircases. With T’Urban’s departure last week, Vote for the Worst (votefortheworst.com) has selected Screaming Siobhan Magnus as its new pick to thwart the real talent (Crystal) from winning the show.

imageLee Dewyze: Deweezie’s choice of “You’re Still the One” was so predictable I should have placed bets in Vegas. Sorry, Lee, you’re still one note. Would someone please leave a comment and explain the appeal of Raspy McRasp?

Mike Lynche: Big Mike emptied a can of Cheese Whiz on his cover of “It Only Hurts When I Breathe.” Vocally it was fine, but it sounded like some easy listening you’d hear in the waiting room of your doctor’s office. Simon called the performance “wet.” My friend Montgomery texted me at that moment and said he’d like to use some Wet on Miss Seacrest. I texted back: Ick, blech.

imageCrystal Bowersox: Mama Sox said she picked “No One Needs to Know Right Now” in the hopes that her boyfriend would take the hint, “man up” and marry her. It was probably the most cheerful song she’s ever sang, and while it was good, it was my least favorite Sox performance. I want more blues and rock. By the way, her boyfriend was in the audience looking uncomfortable. And a little goofy.

Casey James: Cougar Bait was perched on the catwalk behind the judge’s table for his performance of “Don’t” his golden curls perfectly backlit and his shirt opened an extra button or two. It was actually a good performance, and I’m picturing him in the final two now with Mama Sox.

Aaron Kelly: He sang “It’s In the Way You Love Me” to his mommy. He took out the making love lyric, but it was still a little too incestuous for me, dawg. The judges were pimping him hard, talking about the emotion he put into the song. I’m sorry… they need to watch this back, because it was not good.

imageSiobhan Magnus: Wearing some skort get-up from the early 90s, Screaming Siobhan gave the most energetic performance with “Any Man Of Mine,” but she ruined it with the unnecessary scream at the end. Why must she keep doing that? Simon said she sounded like she was giving birth. To quote Patsy Stone: Abort, abort, abort!

Who’s going home tomorrow night? I’m guessing Big Mike or Aaron.

Collin. Out.

imageCollin Kelley is a poet, Atlanta-based journalist and author of the recently released novel, “Conquering Venus.” Follow him on the Modern Confessional blog at collinkelley.com.

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