Project ‘Idol’ Thursday: America’s Top 12

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image“American Idol” pours on the schmaltz like no other show on television, and Thursday night’s elimination of four more contestants was no different. The opening montage of lights, ominous music and cheap graphics was like one of Michael Bay’s student films. The ousting of two more guys and girls means we now have the Top 12, and “Idol,” thankfully, moves back to a two nights a week with the finalists singing on Tuesday and results night on Wednesday.

Before the eliminations, we had to endure the embarrassing group sing of Michael Buble’s “Haven’t Met You Yet.” I admittedly can’t sing a note, nor have I ever done drag, but I can lip synch for my life, so why can’t these contestants? If Brittany can, anyone can.

imageAs I predicted, Katelyn Epperly was shown the door, but my other pick, Paige Miles, (top photo) received enough votes to stay. If Paige can’t do any better than Tuesday night’s wretched cover of “Smile,” then she’ll be the first to go next week.

The most satisfying moment of the season came when Todrick Hall (second photo) was sent home. I was punching the air like I’d just won a gold medal. Sometimes the voters get it soooo right, and they surely did by sending this egotistical hack home.

imageTonight’s special guests were the poor-man’s dueling piano duo, last-season rejects Scott McIntyre and Matt Giraud. Seriously, guys, you’re no Elton John and Billy Joel. Take this shit to the Howard Johnson motor lounge. Seriously.

I was very disappointed to see Alex Lambert (third photo) go home, especially losing out to Andrew Garcia, who has sucked ever since “Straight Up” in Hollywood week. Alex was a nice kid, who genuinely deserved to be there.

imageYou totally fucked this one up, America.

And then the real shocker was Lilly Scott (bottom photo) going home instead of boring, white bread Katie Stevens. Lilly said she wasn’t sure what America wanted to hear, but I can answer that for her: Middle America wants safe, young and pretty. Lilly wasn’t one of my favorites, but Christ-hanging-off-the-cross, she was at least top three in the girls.

This is officially the worst season of “American Idol” ever. EVER.

The Top 12:
Crystal Bowersox
Sibohan Magnus
Paige Miles
Casey James
Tim Urban
Lee DeWyze
Michael Lynche
Lacey Brown
Aaron Kelly
Didi Benami
Andrew Garcia
Katie Stevens

Next Tuesday, the Top 12 sing the songs of the Rolling Stones. I’m already shuddering at the train wrecks this is sure to produce.

Collin. Out.

imageCollin Kelley is a poet, Atlanta-based journalist and author of the recently released novel, “Conquering Venus.” Follow him on the Modern Confessional blog at collinkelley.com.

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