Contributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atanta-based columnist, author and TV personality who lives at the corner of urge and merge. Find more from him at his blog.

Is it, as comedian Lord Carret said, “her knees over my shoulders, with my wallet hidden where she’ll never think of looking for it?”

Or is it a little more romantic than that?

But then, is there such a thing as a romantic sexual position? Certainly, there are elements that up the intimacy—positions that allow eye contact, kissing, caressing, and offering unobstructed heart space (both partners facing each other so they figuratively and literally have heart-to-heart contact).

But the whole thing breaks down when you try to pull all these elements into definitive positions. Especially, if you try to name those positions. “Missionary?” “69?” “Doggie Style?” Not part of any Romance Language I know. Recently, I asked my readers to come up with intimate names for sexual positions. Here’s a sampling from the men:

The You Tube
Snatcher in the Rye
The Backward Death Dive
The Screaming Pelican
The Tony Danza (what you say after you yell, “Who’s the boss?”)

Not much help. Did the women come up with anything better? Take a look:

The Rolodex of Love
The Butter Churn Tilt-a-Whirl.
The Whiskey Waltz
The Flckr Licker
The Why Me Waterfall

Nobody got it right because it’s not gettably right. Soaring romance is at odds with the nuts and bolts of the bomp-chicka-wow-wow. It can lay the groundwork or clean it up afterwards, but in the end, it’s a victim of the often awkward, sometimes comedic attempt at physical union. Sexual physics is the Hoover Dam to the river of romance.

I gorged on Google Images, trying to find a visual for “romantic sexual positions.” I think it’s safe to say there’s a big difference between romantic and pornographic imagery. One makes you long for something; the other makes you reach for it. One asks where it can take you; the other asks what it can do for you. The two are inseparable, of course, but not if you want your family-friendly browser to deliver pictures that make the point.

And there are some that do. It only took me a day and a half to find them, but they’re there. Or rather, here. They’re beautiful, they’re PG, and they prove my contention that there’s only one romantic sexual position for Valentine’s Day: Eyes closed.

Subscribe to our weekly e-blast, tweet with us on Twitter, become a fan on Facebook and view our videos on YouTube. If you just want to vent, send your comments to Shut Up Already.