No, this gay masseur didn’t rub your lady parts

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That firm sensation you feel during an intimate massage isn't always what you think. But that didn't stop a woman from fixating on this gay Atlanta guy's alleged boner and calling the cops.

Alabama women. Always trouble.

But this particular one traveled to Atlanta for a massage. From a gay man. And she accused him of putting his junk in her hands. Girl, please.

An Alabama woman visiting Atlanta decided to get a massage at a local spa. During the massage, the Alabama woman felt what she believed to be the masseuse “placing his genitals in her hand,” according to the police report. The shocked woman said she didn't say anything and continued receiving the massage. Then she felt the firm sensation again. “She said she put her clothes on and she didn't say anything and paid for her massage and left,” the officer wrote.

Shocked, but not enough to stop her rub down. Yet she wouldn't leave the “firm sensation” alone. She's experienced nothing like it and couldn't stop thinking about it. But she's from Alabama and them “firm sensations” are the work of the devil. So she asked What Would Jesus Do? And Jesus told her to return to the massage parlor.

She followed the advice from Jesus. But it took some time, Jesus being pretty busy and all. And she brought the cops.

Hours later, the woman returned to the spa to confront the masseuse. He denied any inappropriate touching, saying he did not place his genitals — or any other body part — in the woman's hand.
The culprit was firm and hard, to be sure. But it wasn't this masseur's junk.

“He stated that she might have felt the lotion bottles that were in his left and right pockets,” the officer wrote.

And oh yeah hunty, he's gay. So getting his happy ending with your hands wasn't happening. The thought never crossed his mind. In fact, his mind was full of thoughts about meeting (gay) friends for (gay) cocktails to wipe his (gay) mind clear of the memory of the lumpy lady parts he just rubbed.

Further, the masseuse says he was not attracted to the Alabama woman — or any other woman — because he is gay. His boss confirmed there were no previous complaints against this masseuse. No charges were filed.

[Creative Loafing]

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