Need Wood? Why won’t anybody hit on me?

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“I know I’m never going to be in People magazine’s ’50 Most Beautiful People,’ but I don’t think I’m fugs either. Why have I never been asked out, or even approached by a guy? Help!”

imageHey, Mike!
I’m 20, been out for almost five years now, and I’ve never had a boyfriend. Yes, I’ve had plenty of hookups, but I’m so over it. They’re just not satisfying anymore, especially when they aren’t there to do it again the next night.

I know I’m never going to be in People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People,” but I don’t think I’m fugs either. I’m 6’2, 220 pounds 34 waist, and go to the gym regularly.

Maybe I’m a hypochondriac creating male-to-male dating disorders for myself, but I’d really like to know why I’ve never been asked out, or even approached by a guy at a club, or anywhere else for that matter. Help!
–Single & tired of it

Dear Single:
Well, let’s face it. In the visually stimulated world of gay men, you’re five inches taller and 58 pounds heavier than most men. At 5’9” and 162 pounds, the average guy is going to take one look at you and think he wandered onto the set of Jurassic Park.

imageSize matters. It implies dominance and physical superiority. Because of your height and weight, guys are almost always going to expect you to be the initiator.

In the animal world, if something is bigger than you are, it’s probably going to eat you. And it’s going to use a lot of teeth, no matter how much you complain. Same applies to the social world. Bigger men are physically intimidating. Try approaching somebody who’s way bigger than you are and tell me how easy it is.

The news isn’t all bad, if you look to the jungle for inspiration. Do lions get upset because they’ve never had a deer buy them a drink? Do wolves feel hurt that sheep never make the first move? Do tigers question their self-worth because everything they want to eat runs away from them? Of course not! Take it from them: Meat tastes the same whether it tapped you on the shoulder or you chased it for miles.

Once you get over the unfairness of it all, you’re left with a big question: Now what? How do you get the confidence to approach guys, and what do you say to them without looking like a fool?

You have to redefine the way you see attractive guys. Right now, you see them as a goal—you either win or you lose. There’s another way of looking at it. For now, know this: You can’t buy confidence; you have to earn it.

Here’s how: Be good at the social skills that guys find irresistible. That takes training—what, you were hoping for a few pickup lines? Right. Training means practicing the art of “icebreaking.”

In future columns, I’ll show you some of the training exercises in my ebook. But for now, try this: Practice initiating conversations with guys you’re not attracted to. Because trust me, if you can’t do it with guys that don’t turn you on, you’ll never be able to do it with guys that do.

imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his ebooks, “Meet the Hottie in the Corner,” and “Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.


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