Need Wood? Keep it clean, bottom boys

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“Whenever guys meet me, they always assume I’m a bottom. That wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t avoid anal sex. It’s not bottoming that scares me; it’s making a mess. How do I stay clean down there?”

Hey, Mike!
imageWhenever guys meet me, they always assume I’m a bottom. That wouldn’t be a problem if I hadn’t avoided anal sex all my life.

I’ve played with dildos, so it’s not pain that scares me. It’s, well, becoming “too relaxed” and having …um… “uninvited guests” make a mess. Yikes!

How do those voracious bottoms do it? Their laundry bill must be staggering. I want to bottom, but I’m scared. How can I stay clean down there? Should I douche before I go out in case I meet someone who thinks my name is Helium Heels?
–Bottom Wannabe

Dear Wannabe:
imageIf cleanliness is the only obstacle between you and plutonium-grade sex, then I say douche every time you go out. There’s no harm in frequent douching as long as you do it with plain water.

If you don’t take precautions, you might experience the nightmare a good friend of mine had to deal with. In the middle of banging his boyfriend like a sack of cement, he unintentionally pulled all the way out and the suction created a “shit bomb” that hit every corner of the room.

Now, admittedly, the odds of that happening are low. Still, if that story doesn’t scare you into cleaning your mangina, nothing will. Douching is the best way to go. Gravy’s only good on mashed potatoes.

Even so, most people don’t need to douche as long as they eat right and shit effortlessly. Believe it or not, taking a dump the wrong way, regularly holding in farts or eating poorly will increase the chances of brown bed sheets.

Here’s why: Your anal canal and rectum do not store feces. They’re merely a passageway to empty the colon. However, they do store feces if you constantly ignore or delay bowel movements. Or block farts. Why? Because it interferes with the rectal reflex that allows shit to go all the way out of the rectum without leaving stragglers.

So how do you keep the rectal reflex reflexing? By going when you have to go and farting when you have to fart (special exceptions made for business presentations, library studies and hitting on hotties).

You also need to eat lots of fiber and drink lots of water. Together, they’ll keep things moving through the colon, down the rectum and completely out of the canal. If there’s any residue, it can be cleaned in the shower with a little finger mopping.

imageIf you’re properly schooled in the toilet arts and you’re eating enough fiber to cement the government’s food pyramid to the floor, then all you need is a surface cleaning. Still, every once in a while you might want to douche, which is French for cleaning a body cavity.

Here’s how: Stick a water-holding instrument in your butt, squeeze the water into your rectum, clench your sphincter to hold the water in for a minute or so, then let the water out. Repeat until you’re so clean the folks at Brita would be proud.

Now, I want you to yell, “My ass is on fire!” I really do, but for the right reasons. So stick to plain water when you douche and skip any chemicals. Also, make sure the tip of the instrument is soft and well lubricated or you’ll tear the lining of your anus.

There’s a shitload of douching options, including the cheap “Fleet” bottles you can buy at drug stores, ear syringe bulbs for cleaning the inner ear and specialized rectal hygiene bulbs specifically made to make your ass shine like a show car.

The Vulcanite Anal Douche Rectal Syringe bulb is a good example. Tell your mom you want one for Christmas.

imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his latest ebook, “Meet the Hottie in the Corner.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.

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