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He wants to know your sexual fantasies, and you think you don’t have any. You feel put on the spot, but change the way you ask the question, and ideas will start popping up for both of you.
Hey Mike!
My partner keeps asking me what my sexual fantasies are, but I can’t come up with any.
He says I must have fantasies, but I really think I don’t. We actually get into tifs about it. Am I abnormal?
–Regular Joe
Dear Regular:
Just because you’re not fully conscious of sexual fantasies doesn’t mean you don’t have them. Part of the reason you’re coming up blank is that your partner is asking the wrong question.
Rather than ask, “What is your fantasy?” he should be asking, “What turns you on?” Come up with answers and add in the following categories:
Location. Where do you want to do the things you say turn you on? In the desert, on the beach, down the stairs?
Setting. If it’s a beach, say, do you want to make love on the sand, on the lifeguard stand or on the lifeguard without the stand?
Props. What are you wearing? Something? Nothing? Prada?
People. Who’s involved? Your partner? His brother? The French rugby team’s starting lineup?
Situation. Do you want to be submissive, dominant or somewhere in-between? Do you want to be treated like a god or a doormat? Do you want to be the cigarette or the ashtray? How do you want to be touched? Roughly, softly? Do you want to be undressed or do the undressing?
These are just a few of the topics that can spark ideas. It isn’t about uncovering fantasies as much as discovering them. Sex is an ever-expanding expression of your body, mind and soul. It’s important to be aware of and feed your fantasies. They’re the easiest and most powerful way to gain a deeper understanding of who you are and what you need.
Contributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his ebooks, “Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language,” and “Attract Hotter Guys Online: The Secrets To Making Yourself Irresistible on Gay Dating Sites.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.
