Need Wood? Turn him from unsure to intrigued

Add this share

I think I’m in love, but when I try to bring it up, he says he’s unsure. I’m on the hook while he keeps me in check by not committing. How do I get this guy to see the light and date me exclusively?

READ MORE | Catch up on all the Need Wood? columns on Project Q

Hey Mike!
imageI’ve been dating this cute, cute, cute hottie that I’ve fallen head over heels with. The problem is, he doesn’t feel the same way I do.

He calls and often initiates the dates, so I know he likes me and wants to go out. But it’s been four months now, and he’s still waffling.

“I’m not sure what I’m feeling for you,” he said. “I haven’t totally worked out my feelings about my ex or this other guy I used to be fuck-buddies with.”

How do I get this guy, who I know is my soul mate, to see the light and date me exclusively?
–Puzzled yet Pissed

Dear Puzzled:
imageChrist, I hate questions like this because it forces me to think. It’s so much easier to write about giving good hand-jobs.

Look, my advice is not going to be pretty, but if you follow it, you’ll clamp the old ball and chain on him if he’s clamp-able at all. The way you get the guy is to stop trying to get him.

Nature abhors a vacuum. If you create a space between you and him, one of two things will happen: He’ll step forward to fill it in, or he’ll step backward and make it disappear. Either way, you’ll know.

Create that space by doing these three things:

No talking about the relationship. The last thing a confused guy wants to hear is that you’re in love with him. It’s not a matter of being dishonest; it’s a matter of being realistic. Is the guy ready to hear your declaration of eternal love? No. Then why say it? Is he going to support you when you break down and blubber on about how in love you are? No. Then why say it?

Honesty in an “asymmetrical” relationship is toxic. I’m not saying lie; I’m saying postpone. You can have all the heart-to-hearts you want once you hook him, but you have to hook him first.

Never call him. Call him back but never initiate the call. Why? Because you have to give him the chance to miss you. Plus, it disorients him. He’s used to you calling all the time, and now you’re not.

Be happy when he calls. Keep it light, funny and entertaining. No guilt trips, no sticky emotional dialogue, just flat out fun. Guys confused about their feelings need relief, clarity and simplicity. Offer him that, and you’re well on your way to an engagement ring.

Sit back and bask in the mind-fuck: He knows you’re in love, but you don’t call him. Yet every time he calls, you’re thrilled to hear from him. You never ask him out, but when he asks you, you’re thrilled to go.

This will frustrate the hell out of him. He’s used to using his ambivalence to control people, but suddenly he’s not controlling you. The only time he gets to see or talk to you is if he initiates it.

The question on his mind will be: “If he likes me so much why doesn’t he call?” And if he’s smart, he’ll figure it out: Because even though you’re in love with him you won’t give up your dignity and you refuse to revolve your life around him. All of this translates into respect.

Suddenly, you stand above the rest because you’re not caught up in his drama. In fact, he’ll start thinking he might lose you. The other guys are making demands, blubbering about their feelings, wanting commitments and you are the only one who offers tons of fun. No demands, no expectations. I’d marry you. Who wouldn’t?

imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his ebooks, “Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language,” and “Attract Hotter Guys Online: The Secrets To Making Yourself Irresistible on Gay Dating Sites.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.

THE LATEST

Project Q Atlanta goes on hiatus after 14 years

On Sept. 1, 2008, Project Q Atlanta promised a hyper-local “queer media diet” for Atlanta. The site set out to bring LGBTQ news, in-depth...

Photos catch Purple Dress Run invading Midtown

After three years of pandemic-inflicted limitations, Atlanta’s gay rugby squad let loose on one of its most popular events. The Atlanta Bucks Purple Dress...

Ooo Bearracuda: Photos from Bear Pride’s Main Event

The seventh annual Atlanta Bear Pride hit the ground running on Friday with packed houses at Woofs, Heretic and Future. Turned out, they hadn’t...

Atlanta Bear Pride set to go hard and long all weekend

That low, growing growl you hear is a nation of gay bears headed for Atlanta Bear Pride this weekend. By the time they arrive,...

PHOTOS: Armorettes bring back Easter Drag Race magic

Gay Atlanta’s queens of do-good drag brought the sunshine to a cloudy afternoon on Saturday when Heretic hosted the triumphant return of Armorettes Easter...
17,446FansLike
7,001FollowersFollow
7,682FollowersFollow

PHOTO GALLERIES