Need Wood? The trouble with ‘top’ and ‘bottom’

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“I’m talkative, opinionated and loud, but people think I’m a bossy bottom instead of a raging top. I saw a list about how tops should act. Do you think I should take the advice?”

Hey, Mike!
imageWhy does everybody think I’m a bottom? The other night, I got mistaken for a bottom by a bottom! How embarrassing is that? I’m talkative, opinionated and loud, but people think I’m a bossy bottom instead of a raging top.

Anyway, some magazine compiled a list about what tops should do to be seen as tops:

Don’t talk too much. Good tops should be men of few words.
Don’t be too energetic. The most rambunctious guys are usually the most effeminate and whoever heard of effeminate tops?
Don’t pay too much attention to what you wear. You can’t be a top and worry about accessories. Wear pants and a shirt that isn’t too tight. Steer away from clothing that glitters, anything “big” (buckles, hats, shoes).
Don’t use the word “cute.”
Don’t wear fruity cologne.
Don’t shake your groove thang or wiggle your butt to get attention.
Be the pursuer and the chaser.

What do you think of the list? Do you think I should follow their advice?
— Trying to get to the bottom of it

Dear Trying:
imageYour letter reminds me that gay men are like fine wine: They start out as grapes, but you have to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Once again, I get a letter asking for advice on how turn a sexual position into a whole identity. And once again, I ask why you feel the need to label yourself. Labels belong on a can, not on a man.

Listen to the absurdity of that list. They’re saying I can’t wear a tight shirt and fuck somebody? I’ve worn loose shirts, tight shirts, and no shirts, and it never stops me from doing what I want in bed.

And what do you mean by “whoever heard of effeminate tops?” You don’t get out much, do you?

Here’s my advice: If you’re talking to someone you’re not sexually interested in and they assume you’re a bottom, ask him why it’s so important for him to know what you like in bed, given that you’re never going to sleep with him.

If you’re talking to someone you are sexually interested in and he assumes you’re a bottom, why not say nothing and surprise him in bed?

So what if two tops end up going home with each other? You say “I’m not into that” and then you figure out what you’re both into. Even if it ends up being a mutual hand-job, so what? Wouldn’t you rather masturbate someone you’re really attracted to than to fuck someone you’re only halfway hot for?

Hey, Mike!
I’ve been masturbating in my Jacuzzi for years. Lately though, I’ve noticed a cloudy, grayish-white area on the head of my penis. What is it and does this mean I have to stop my favorite way to get off?
–Jet-fueled orgasms

Dear Jet-Fueled:
Yes, I’d stop. Look, if the combination of heat and pressure can discolor your pots and pans, imagine what they can do to your dick.

Besides, the tip of the penis is really sensitive (or haven’t you noticed?). It’s going to be more susceptible to rashes than any other body parts. If the Jacuzzi jets are powerful enough, they could damage penile ligaments.

If you have to blast your mast with a splash, then do it with the force from a showerhead. It’d be less dangerous.

imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his ebooks, “Meet the Hottie in the Corner,” and “Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.

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