“I was on a hookup site and hit on a size queen whose sole interest was in was the size of my member. Read my chat transcript, and tell me if I should have just told him. What are my other options?”

Hey Mike!
I was on a hookup site and hit on a size queen. Please read my transcript—I’ve got some questions.

Me: Dude, you are SO my type. Let’s hook up.
Uinmymouth: How big?
Me: Come over and measure it.
Uinmymouth: LOL.
Me: Come on, man, we live in the same neighborhood. Let’s hook up.
Uinmymouth: Cool, but how big are you?
Me: Never measured myself.
Uinmymouth: Well, you must have some idea.
Me: Why are you asking me something I could so easily lie about? I could tell you 9 inches, and how would you know until you unzipped my pants?
Uinmymouth: You’re right and if you’re not WELL above average I would leave—so don’t waste your time if you’re small or average.
Me: Wow. So, even though you think I’m hot and even if there’s great chemistry when we meet, you’re out the door if I unzip and turn out to be average? Or even bigger than average but not WELL above average?
Uinmymouth: Yep. Might as well be honest—that’s why I asked.
Me: It’s honest; I’ll give you that.
Uinmymouth: ;>)
Me: And you, pray tell, must have at least 8 inches, right? Otherwise, you’re going to be very embarrassed when I unzip you.
Uinmymouth: Yes, it’s honest. And I’m bigger than 8 inches, btw.
Me: Well, if that’s true I guess you’re putting your money where your mouth is.
Uinmymouth: Yes, but it doesn’t really matter how big I am. I’m only interested in servicing another man.
Me: Well, like I said, I’ve never measured myself. I mean I know I’m bigger than most of the guys I sleep with, but if you’re looking for a monster cock I’m not your man.
Uinmymouth: Later, man.
Me: ?
Uinmymouth: I want dick, not drama.

My questions: Do you think I was wrong for not telling him how big my dick is? What should I do the next time it happens?
–Victorian Whore

Dear Whore:
I don’t think anything can be more humiliating than typing out your dimensions, sending them out and hoping some stranger on the other end deems you worthy enough to meet.

However, you were on a hook-up site. They administer dick the way an E.R. doctor administers painkillers—quickly, so you’ll shut the fuck up.

While I share your values and principles, you might want to be a little more flexible when you’re chatting on sites that may as well be called Dick Central.

So, what can you do if someone’s looking for Frankencock and keeps asking if that axis of evil in your pants is measured in inches or feet? You have a few options:

Answer them honestly. Don’t make a big deal out of it. If you’re big, don’t brag over it. If you’re not, don’t dwell on it.

Don’t answer them. Ask them what they’re looking for. Five, six, seven, eight inches? And if they say something in your range, say, “I can help.” If it’s not, then say, “Sorry, out of your range by half an inch.”

Quit taking this so personally. Size queens are like leather queens or fetishists—they’ve eroticized an object. Would you be upset if a man asked, “Are you into handcuffs and getting gang-raped by geezers dressed in Teletubby outfits?” Of course not. You’d just type out, “No, but Mike Alvear is. Here’s his email address.”

Answer with a question. Like, “How big is your hole?” Keep repeating it until they stop asking about your size.

Contributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his latest ebook, “Meet the Hottie in the Corner.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.