Need Wood? My penis is prettier than me

Add this share

READ MORE | Catch up on all the Need Wood? columns on Project Q

Do you think it’s “slutty” to hook the boys by showing them the goods upfront then trying to convince them that I’m worth dating, even if I’m not an Abercrombie model?

Hey Mike!
imageI’m a 22-year old college student, and I’m online a lot. For those of us in the gay glam world who are only mildly attractive, we typically have to rely on our personality to get us a man.

But personality doesn’t seem to count much online, where it’s all about the pics. I get a trickle of interest when I post my G-rated pics, but I get a flood of proposals when I use my X-rated pics. Sadly, my penis is everything I’m not—big and beautiful.

The thing is, I don’t want to trick; I want to date. Do you think it’s “slutty” to hook the boys by showing them the goods upfront then trying to convince them that I’m worth dating, even if I’m not an Abercrombie model?
–Ethical Dilemma

Dear Dilemma:
imageIt isn’t slutty; it’s inconsistent. Which, if you ask me, is worse. At least you can get your hands on a slut. Inconsistent, contradictory guys are harder to get a hold of than a stick of soap in a grease pit.

Listen, you can’t write a profile that says you’re a romantic who likes long walks on the beach and then post pictures of your penis, Mr. Tripod.

You’ll make people think they’re going to take your penis on a walk. And really, who wants to go down on something that sandy?

Laying out the ol’ “Bait & Switch” ain’t your only option. Here are a few more:

Get better pictures. Remember, beauty is only a light switch away. The point isn’t to look like someone you’re not. It’s to look your best. Lighting, angles, positions, clothing, facial expressions can be tricky to catch on film. Experiment until you feel you’ve got pictures that make you look best.

Get a better profile. You are so wrong that pictures are the only things that count online. For every guy that joins a hook up site, there are two that join because they want a relationship.

OK, one. OK, half of one.

Seriously, there are plenty of guys online that want to date. Just to prove it, I put “hung” in Manhunt’s search engine for just one city—Atlanta—and I got 500 ads that have “hung” in their profile. Then I did another search with “LTR” (Long Term Relationship). Guess how many ads showed up? 500. I rest my case.

Put your dick in jail. Post your penis pics, but lock them up. The only people who get to see them are people you pre-qualify. Somewhere down lower in your profile write, “Oh, and here’s a bonus to dating me: I’m hung.”

That way, when guys do a search—and, trust me, “hung” is one of the most popular search words on gay sites—they’ll find you. But when they click on your profile, they’ll see “hung” buried at the bottom and only your face pics up front.

State what you want clearly: “Looking to date. Not open to hookups.” Make sure your profile has a lot to say about yourself and what you want. Guys will see how much time you took writing it and interpret it as an indication that you’d rather write than fuck. I mean, date than hookup.

Put your dick where your mouth is. Put your cock shots next to your face shots. But put them last in line.

By putting your face pics first, you’re saying you want to date. By putting your dick pics last, you’re waving an incentive. Paint yourself as a sensual dater—a relationship-oriented guy who has a lot to offer in and out of bed.

imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Download his latest ebook, “Attract Hotter Guys: the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language.” Got a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.


Project Q Atlanta goes on hiatus after 14 years

On Sept. 1, 2008, Project Q Atlanta promised a hyper-local “queer media diet” for Atlanta. The site set out to bring LGBTQ news, in-depth...

Photos catch Purple Dress Run invading Midtown

After three years of pandemic-inflicted limitations, Atlanta’s gay rugby squad let loose on one of its most popular events. The Atlanta Bucks Purple Dress...

Ooo Bearracuda: Photos from Bear Pride’s Main Event

The seventh annual Atlanta Bear Pride hit the ground running on Friday with packed houses at Woofs, Heretic and Future. Turned out, they hadn’t...

Atlanta Bear Pride set to go hard and long all weekend

That low, growing growl you hear is a nation of gay bears headed for Atlanta Bear Pride this weekend. By the time they arrive,...

PHOTOS: Armorettes bring back Easter Drag Race magic

Gay Atlanta’s queens of do-good drag brought the sunshine to a cloudy afternoon on Saturday when Heretic hosted the triumphant return of Armorettes Easter...