Need Wood? Measuring up and blowing down

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Answers to “Is there a safe, proven way of enlarging my penis?” and “How do I tell somebody they smell like they just rimmed a dozen dirty bungholes after smoking a pack of cigarettes?”

Hey Mike!
imageI’ve run into some hot guys who have terrible breath. How do I tell somebody they smell like they just rimmed a dozen dirty bungholes after smoking a pack of cigarettes?

I’ve left mouthwash, floss and a toothbrush out for them, but they’re clueless. And the few times I’ve been direct they get offended. Help!
–Olfactory Nerve

Dear Olfactory Nerve:
There’s just no easy way to tell people their breath makes your eyes water. It’s not like you’re telling them they’ve got broccoli in their teeth, a booger hanging out of their nose, or a bat in their cave.

They can look in a mirror and see that stuff, but we can’t smell our own breath—the body gets used to its own odors—so being indirect won’t work. Neither will being direct if they think you’re being passive-aggressive or just plain insulting.

Try “sharing” the problem. Don’t say, “You’ve got bad breath, so gargle, bitch!” Say, “I think we both could use a little mouthwash. Come to the bathroom with me and let’s use it together.”

Hey Mike!
imageI’m 25, bright and easy on the eyes. I thought I had it going on until I started watching amateur porn online. I swear to God, every guy I’ve seen had a beer can cock!

Now I’m so self-conscious about my dick that I’m embarrassed to pull my pants down in the locker room or the bedroom.

Is there a safe, proven way of enlarging my penis?

–Pretty but small

Dear Pretty but Small:
There is only one way to safely enlarge your penis: Lay it on my desk, and I’ll whack it with a hammer. You won’t believe how big it’ll get.

Believe me, that’s the safest way of making your dick bigger. With the exception of the two percent of guys who have a “micro-phallus,” every reputable medical association recommends against penis enlargement surgery.

Do it and you’ll probably end up with a crooked, lumpy and deformed shaft, erections that point downward, raw nerves caught in scar tissue, and fluid that chronically collects around the testicles.

Sorry, but contrary to the promise of spam in your inbox, there’s no way to “MAKE YOUR DICK BIGGER THAN A CLUB!!!” There’s no pill, no pump, no enzyme that’s going to give you “THE MIRACLE OF A 14-INCH HORSE COCK!!!!” There’s no surgery that’s going to give you “MEATY 10-INCH SCHLONGS!!!!”

Yes, I know you’d like to “ADD FOUR TERRIFYING INCHES TO YOUR WANG!!!!” But I’m afraid the only way you can do that is to borrow a porn star’s dick for the weekend.

Optical illusions make a lot of us think we’ve got small dicks. First, video cameras make everything look bigger. So, while there are certainly large schlongs in professional and amateur porn, a lot of those “beer can dicks” have a light beer label.

Second, almost everybody else’s penis looks bigger because you’re looking straight at theirs but down at yours. Angles make a difference. If you want to get a better indication of the size of your dick, don’t look down; look in the mirror.

Now, before you convince yourself that you’re swinging a bug-fucker, get your facts straight. Do you truly have a small penis? Find out by measuring yourself. Use a guide like my recent column, “What’s The Best Way of Measuring My Cock?” And make peace with the results, because there ain’t nothing you can do about it.

imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Download his latest ebook, “Attract Hotter Guys: the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language.” Got a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.

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