Need Wood? Lying your way to online hookups

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“If I lie about my age in online profiles, I get lots more responses. Even with the exact same words and pictures, the real me gets zip and the dishonest me gets plenty. What should I do?”

Hey Mike!
imageI’m 48, very healthy, active, good looking, and blessed to look 35.

Here’s my problem: When I put my true age in my profile, I get no responses. Absolutely zero.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a hookup site or one that slants more toward relationships. If I place the exact same words and pictures, only this time saying I’m 35, I get lots of responses. Lots. It’s the exact same me, only the real me gets zip and the dishonest me gets plenty.

I’m at a loss as to how to proceed. Even people my own age don’t respond to my 48-year-old ads and respond to my 35-year-old ads. I think the whole gay community is fucked up.

I don’t believe in being dishonest. I don’t want to start a relationship where the first thing I say is a lie. I don’t even want a one night stand if I have to be dishonest to get it. But I also don’t want to be without sex for extended periods of time. What should I do?
–Truth or Dare?

Dear Truth:
imageDude, I dedicated my first book to a friend for “teaching me how to lie about my age.” If you think I’m going to tell you to grow a moral spine, you’ve got the wrong guy.

The thing is, I understand your dilemma. Gay men have a phobia about age. Whatever you say after “forty,” they hear as a communicable disease. If you say “I’m 43,” they hear “forty-leprosy.” They’re more afraid of catching age than AIDS.

So here’s my advice: Lie. Yes, that’s right. I’m advising you to lie. It’s an indispensable tool for living. You literally could not function in this world without lying. Check out Jim Carrey’s movie, “Liar, Liar” if you want to see how constantly telling the truth can ruin your life.

All lies are not created equal. Some are harmless; some are harmful. Learn the difference. You’ve equated lying about your age with, say, lying about your HIV status, your marital status, or even the way you look.

Age is a state of mind anyway. So what if you feed people the fantasy that they’re responding to a 35 year old? You might actually end up teaching them it’s possible to fall for someone despite an initial resistance to their age.

OK, now let’s get into some sound lying strategies. Always take 10 years off your real age. When you’re drunk and he asks you what year you were born, you don’t have to deal with complex mathematical formulas. And believe me, when you’re drunk, simple subtraction can leave you paralyzed.

My 10-year strategy makes it a simple equation. Let’s say you were born in 1962. It’s 1962 + 10 = 1972. You were born in 1972! No amount of martinis can slow up that addition. In addition to not having to do the math, there’s another reason to stick to the 10-year rule: It’s better to look old for 32 than young for 42.

Another option is to learn the art of omission. Who says you have to offer your age in a profile? If someone asks, tell him you don’t think age is important.

Tell him you’re always too young for some people and too old for others, so you’d rather move on to more interesting topics—like what you’re going to cook them for breakfast if they stay the night.

imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his latest ebook, “Meet the Hottie in the Corner.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.

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