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We hear a lot about finishing too soon, but what if the issue is delayed–or no–ejaculatory response when with a partner? How to deal with some of the psychological issues that can cause it.
Hey Mike!
I saw your advice for guys who ejaculate too quickly, but what about those of us with the opposite problem? I can’t ejaculate with another guy unless I masturbate myself. I’ve tried almost everything, and it usually comes down to my own hand.
“The Joy of Gay Sex” says I’ve got a Retarded Ejaculation problem. I really think they could have come up with a better name, but anyway, their “solution” didn’t work for me. Can you help?
–Handy
Dear Handy:
Can I help? Is a pig’s ass pork? Are half the guys online liars? Of course!
First, I agree with you—the name for your problem sucks. Shrinks come up with horrible labels that just add more shame to the problem. You know what they replaced “retarded ejaculation” with a few years later? “Ejaculatory Incompetence.” Charming. These days they’re calling it what it should be called, “Delayed Ejaculation.”
The most common causes of “DE” – the inability to come in the presence of another partner with a particular act (or any act) – are psychological:
You can’t “let go” in the presence of others. Maybe you have a strict religious background that makes you think of sex as sinful. Or you’re like me and have done things in bed that you know will send you straight to hell. Bottom line, you have trouble relaxing completely when there’s another guy in the bed – or on the pool table, or on the kitchen counter, etc.
You’re not attracted to your partner. I mean, let’s face it, we’ve all picked up ugly guys. I don’t care what kind of stud you are; it’s hard to come when you’re looking into a face where boners go to die.
Your masturbation habits inhibit partnered sex. You might have “trained” yourself to masturbate in an atypical pattern that intercourse or somebody else’s hand can’t match.
You’re suffering from a traumatic event. Like your mother catching you beating off. Or your boyfriend hogging the three-way.
Sometimes there’s an organic, physical reason for delayed ejaculation, but I’d rule that out for you because if it’s physical, you wouldn’t be able to come when masturbating, or it would take you forever if you could. Anti-depressants or neurological damage would be the culprits there.
The best thing for you to do is find a good sex therapist and talk out your issues — the outcome is very optimistic. If you just can’t bring yourself to make an appointment with sex therapist because you’ve slept with all of them, then try this:
Call a time out. For the next few months, don’t try to ejaculate through any other means than self-masturbation. The harder you try to orgasm, the more it becomes inhibited.
To minimize the pressure, absorb yourself in the moment. Focus on feelings, sink into sensations, pay attention to pleasure. If you have a regular partner, make sure he creates a relaxed atmosphere, free of pressure. Meaning, no “How about this? Are you close? Do you want to try something else?” Remember, pleasure, not pressure.
Change your masturbation patterns. You’ve got to break the habit of only being able to come in a certain way. During your “time-out” stage, change your hands, vary the pressure, get in different positions. Re-train your body to be able to come in different ways.
Try the “Bridging technique.” After you’ve mastered steps 1 and 2, have sex with your partner. When you get yourself close to the “point of no return,” have your partner finish you off. You can also try a version of that with intercourse. This, of course, requires a sympathetic, understanding partner. Where you’re going to find one is a completely different column.
Contributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his ebooks, “Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language,” and “Attract Hotter Guys Online: The Secrets To Making Yourself Irresistible on Gay Dating Sites.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.
