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“I haven’t gotten laid since I got online. Why does my roommate have so much better luck online than I do? Is it my profile? Are there profile ‘musts’ that I don’t know about?”

Hey Mike!
I recently signed up with a couple of hook-up sites after watching my roommate reelin’ in so many hotties that the odometer in his bed exploded.

Me? Nothing.

I haven’t gotten laid since I got online. There are plenty of hot guys on the sites, but I only get a fraction of the hits my roommate does. And you know what really chaps my ass? I’m better looking than him! No, I’m not bragging—it’s the truth.

So why does my roommate have so much better luck online than I do? Is it my profile? Are there profile “musts” that I don’t know about?
–Jealous and horny

Dear Jealous:
You remind me of the story about the 20-something who comes into the confessional and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest says, “What is it, my son?” The guy says, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day, and sometimes more, I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.” The priest pauses, leans in closer to get a better look and says, “My son, I have good news. That isn’t a sin. It’s a mistake.”

My point, and I do have one, is that maybe you’re looking at the mirror and making a mistake.

I kid. You’re probably good-looking. Your profile? Probably not so much.

Amateurs, er, I mean beginners, usually have profiles that remind me of Mink Stole’s immortal line in “Female Trouble”: “I wouldn’t suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls.”

Here’s what you need to turn things around and get Mink and the boys knocking on your cyber door:

Show your face. Profiles with face shots get more hits. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Here’s what most people would think if they saw your headless body:

• It must be hard for you to chew food without a mouth

• You’re a closet case who’s going to make them sign a confidentiality agreement before they go home with you

• You’ve probably got a face that’d knock a buzzard off a gut wagon

• You’re somebody’s boyfriend, and you don’t want him or his friends seeing you online.

Would you expect guys to approach you in a bar if they couldn’t see your face? Then why would you expect guys online to do it? Put your face pics in your profile, and I promise your hit rate will go up.

Smile in your photos. Smiling is the second best thing you can do with your lips. It’s also a shortcut to the bedroom. Think about it: Would you approach somebody if they had a sneer that would scare Satan’s jackals? Of course not. A smile is as much an invitation online as it is in person. Think of it as the welcome mat to your crotch.

Be Kind. A lot of profiles state shit like, “Disease free and intend to stay that way.” That’s not only insulting to HIV+ guys, but to their HIV-negative friends as well.

If HIV is that big an issue for you (and it shouldn’t be—ever heard of safe sex?), then at least write, “Please be HIV negative. Thanks.” Ask for what you want without being cruel. The same goes for that awful “no fats or fems” line. How about, “Prefer lean and masculine”?

There’s such a thing as Online Karma. Fix your profile, and your Karma will stop running over your Dogma.

Contributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his ebooks, “Meet the Hottie in the Corner,” and “Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.