Need Wood? Gay guilt over hairy vs. smooth

Add this share

READ MORE | Catch up on all the Need Wood? columns on Project Q

Think you’re missing the boat over your preference for hairy over smooth guys? It’s more likely you’re missing the forest for the trees with all the men out there and a reality check of your options.

Hey Mike!
imageI know I’ve missed out on some great one-night stands—even relationships—because the guys weren’t my physical type.

I’ve tried, but I just can’t get into smooth guys. It feels like I’m screwing a salmon. I’m always thinking, “Go easy on the lube, otherwise he’s going to pop through my fingers and land on the other side of the room!”

The other night, I met the perfect guy—great looks, warmth of a furnace, but there wasn’t any hair on his legs so I made an excuse and practically fled the place.

I’m feeling shallow and guilty about turning down guys just because they don’t have the exact physical look that I like. How do I deal with this?
–Rough edges

Dear Rough:
imageDon’t confuse shallowness with preference. Are you shallow because you prefer tall guys? Athletic guys? Or guys who know the difference between “its” and “it’s”?

Not only have you developed misguided guilt, you’ve also managed to develop a scarcity mentality while sitting in front of the biggest Man Buffet ever seen.

Dude, are you blind? Most guys are hairy! And half the smooth ones are faking it (See Monday’s Morning Fix with model Levi Poulter, photos, as our most recent body of evidence). They’d probably latch on to you just to cut their waxing bills.

As far as your guilt, it’s caused by letting a physical characteristic rob you of an emotional connection. That, and the hurt you see in the other guys’ eyes when you reject them. Outside of letting them down easy, you can’t do much about the other guy’s hurt, but you can do something about broadening your body-type preferences.

Notice I didn’t say, “change” your preference, because that’s impossible. But it is possible to expand your “body bandwidth.”

Here’s how:

Tell the faux smoothies to “grow it out.” Many of the guys you’ve turned down are shaving and waxing because some gay men idealize smooth torsos. Pick up any gay publication and count the number of stories and ads featuring men with hairy bodies. Trust me, you can do it with one hand and few, if any, fingers.

Cover the outer and discover the inner. If you’re serious about a relationship, you’ve gotta dyke your way into one. Meaning, put more emphasis on the inner qualities than the outer goodies.

Ever notice that beauty is right up there with Spackle in the lesbian Desire-O-Meter? It’s because they attach erotic desire to things in addition to their partner’s physical appearance: Power. Experience. Humor. Trucks. Flannel. Boots. Tit rings. Strap-ons. Wait! I’m off-topic….

Anyway, getting turned on by a person’s inner qualities is harder for men to do. We are, after all, pigs. If somebody doesn’t give us an instant erection, we’re convinced they never will.

But it’s not true. Everyone’s had the experience of being turned on by somebody who initially didn’t. Something happens to make you see the guy in a different light, and suddenly he makes that taco in your pants turns into a burrito.

Date the sparsely furred. You’re looking for erotic experiences with smooth or near-smooth guys, and a way to do that is to systematically immerse yourself in less and less hairy guys. The vast majority of guys are somewhere between smooth and hairy.

Start with the guys who are medium-hairy, and work your way down to the least hairy guy who doesn’t give your dick a flat tire.

Watch porn with lightly hairy guys. Sometimes a good video opens you up to things you thought you’d never get into. Like mustaches. Or as they call them in jail, “Prison pussy.”

The body type you’re attracted to is not a conscious choice. You can’t change it, but with the right attitude and the right techniques, you can expand it.

imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Download his latest ebook, “Meet The Hottie In The Corner: The 21-Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get.” Got a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.

Need Wood? is sponsored in Atlanta by Brushstrokes and Capulets/Brushstrokes Pleasures.


Project Q Atlanta goes on hiatus after 14 years

On Sept. 1, 2008, Project Q Atlanta promised a hyper-local “queer media diet” for Atlanta. The site set out to bring LGBTQ news, in-depth...

Photos catch Purple Dress Run invading Midtown

After three years of pandemic-inflicted limitations, Atlanta’s gay rugby squad let loose on one of its most popular events. The Atlanta Bucks Purple Dress...

Ooo Bearracuda: Photos from Bear Pride’s Main Event

The seventh annual Atlanta Bear Pride hit the ground running on Friday with packed houses at Woofs, Heretic and Future. Turned out, they hadn’t...

Atlanta Bear Pride set to go hard and long all weekend

That low, growing growl you hear is a nation of gay bears headed for Atlanta Bear Pride this weekend. By the time they arrive,...

PHOTOS: Armorettes bring back Easter Drag Race magic

Gay Atlanta’s queens of do-good drag brought the sunshine to a cloudy afternoon on Saturday when Heretic hosted the triumphant return of Armorettes Easter...