Need Wood? Bit lip, lap bits, lil’ bit

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In the time-honored tradition of “There is no such thing as a stupid question,” we take on three who challenge that nicety. HIV from kissing? Crotch radiation from laptops? And poor thing: “Old” guys keep hitting on me. Prescription: a liberal application of logic.

imageHey Mike!
I was chewing gum and bit the inside of my lip—hard (it bled).

I made out with this guy in a bar and much later thought, “Did I put myself in any danger of HIV?”

Am I being paranoid?
–Scared Lipless

Dear Scared:
You remind me of some dumb chick who thought a menstrual cycle was something manufactured by Honda. Dude, you had a bleeding mouth and you kissed a guy? Are you out of your fucking mind?

Fortunately, the Gods are with you. First, you’re assuming the guy was HIV+. Most gay guys aren’t. Second, even if he was, saliva has proteins that make HIV transmission extremely difficult. Third, there’s very little virus in saliva.

So yeah, you’re fine. But you know, if you’d gone home with the guy and blew him, this would be a completely different column. If you bleed or have recently bled in any orifice, do yourself a favor—rent a movie and stay home.

imageHey, Mike!
I love to get into bed with my laptop and chat with men for hours. I’m wondering if having the laptop on that long is doing harm to my goodies.

Is there something I can use to protect myself from all that electricity?
–Glowing but worried

Dear Glowing:
Heat may be Manhunt or’s biggest draw, but it’s your laptop’s biggest problem. The only danger is an overheated machine could actually cause the batteries in the laptop to explode. Now, I love to hear the sound of exploding crotches, but not if it leaves you with a hospital bill.

The processor chip in the average laptop runs at about 163 degrees Fahrenheit, but remember, computers have built-in cooling mechanisms. And unless there’s a battery defect or you’ve been Manhunting for 12 hours in the middle of a Bangladesh heat wave, there’s little chance something bad’s going to happen.

Still, if you like the top on your lap, as it were, you can precautions. If you haven’t seen an exploding laptop then check out this video. You’ll never put an overheated laptop near your uglies again.

Check out some of the solutions like Cooler Master’s NotePal Infinite. It uses variable speed fans to cool your laptop. Others like the Xpad laptop desk don’t use any power at all, yet seems to do the job.

Just Google “laptop coolers,” and you’ll get a picture of a shirtless Simon Cowell. And websites that’ll point you to the products you need.

imageHey, Mike!
Whenever I’m online, I’m always being hit on guys old enough to be my father. I’m 24 but all the guys who leave me messages are like in their late 30s or 40s.

I like guys around my age or a little younger. Is there anyway I can attract younger guys and tell older guys I am not remotely interested without being rude?
–Young for fun

Dear Young:
Thanks for at least wanting to be nice about it. I’ve actually seen a profile that said, “Please don’t email me if you were the one who hit the switch when God said, ‘Let there be light!’”

Actually, that’s kinda funny; you might want to use that. No, seriously, here’s what you say: “Strictly into guys my age (24) or younger, no exceptions. Thanks for respecting my preferences.”

And if you still keep getting emails from older guys? Delete, delete, delete. You don’t owe anybody a response if they’ve contacted you after you’ve asked them not to.

imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Download his latest ebook, “Meet The Hottie In The Corner: The 21-Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get.” Got a question for Need Wood? Just {encode=”[email protected]” title=”send it in”}.

Need Wood? is sponsored in Atlanta by Brushstrokes and Capulets/Brushstrokes Pleasures.


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