You know how queer friends can feel more like family than our actual family? I have one friend who is as important to me as any sibling. We’ve been there for each other through ups, downs, girls, women and more girls and women. When she finally found what she thought was the woman of her dreams, I was so happy. She deserves a wife for life.
At first, her new girlfriend’s random Facebook PMs to me seemed harmless, so I engaged with her. Then the messages started coming after midnight. Then she said she had a dream about me where we were naked. Then it turned explicitly sexual.
I have a few choice words for this jerk, but I don’t know whether to tell her off before or after I tell my friend? How do I break it to my friend? Should I ignore it and let her find out later than I was chatting with the woman at all?
Dear Friend For Life:
That’s some real shit you wandered into. You can get out of it, but step lightly.
This person has behaved abhorrently. No need to stoop to her level or escalate the drama. The instinct to go full guerilla assault on the offender, then run a screaming tattletale maneuver on your bestie, is natural. But don’t — at least not without thinking it through completely.
The secret is staying calm. If you go in hot, everyone gets burned. Stick to the facts. Tell the offender flatly that you don’t want to talk about sex with her, and that her messages make you uncomfortable.
Stop all further communication, and call your friend. Tell her that friendly chats took a turn that you didn’t expect, ask for or appreciate. Say that her long-term happiness is more valuable than any short-term discomfort between you. If your friendship is as strong as you say, she’ll accept it on the spot or come back to you after processing it. Respect her reaction either way.
I’ve been dating a guy for a couple months. He tries to run my life, but he is older and confident in his declarations. He has a great high-rise condo where we spend most of our time, and my own rent is a little steep for my current situation.
I know it’s technically too soon, but is there a way to actually move in with him that doesn’t cause problems?
Dear Daddy’s Boy:
Technically and actually, no. Next?
OK, fine. A few things to consider when you do what you are going to do: 1. You don’t know him. 2. If he is already trying to drive your life like it’s your car, don’t hand over the keys. 3. If you decide to split, where are you going to live? If you add your name to the lease, how are you going to get out?
Illustration by Brad Gibson
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