LGBTQ fears of kink leave feelings of ‘crazy and afraid’

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Q: Bondage porn is hot, but I’ve only had vanilla sex. What’s going on in my head is way different than what’s going on in the bed.

I’m afraid to try BDSM. The fetish folks I see at Pride fuel my fantasies, but also my fears. They’re intimidating. I’m also afraid of being seen as a freak. People ridicule fetishists behind their backs, and I’m afraid of being lumped in with them.

Should I try it anyway?

Dear Afraid:

Fears get a bad rap, but they’re not all created equally. Natural “fight or flight” responses kick in as a warning to evaluate your situation.

The problem comes if you stop there. If you accept fear as a reason to avoid circumstances without assessing them and making an informed decision, you’re stuck.

BDSM wants to use fear to your sexual advantage. Turned on and intimidated at the same time? That’s the point. Adrenaline pumps, you’re short of breath, and your sweet relief comes from giving in. You owe it to yourself to try it. A whole community of people can teach you about passion via consent and trust.

But some fears need to be faced and conquered. Fear of what others think? Forget it. Naysayers might use their own fears to ostracize people that they don’t understand, and we can’t make our personal decisions based on those people.

Q:

I’m turned on by a hot guy eating food like it’s his last meal. Like, he just can’t get enough in his mouth at one time. I watch his lips and tongue, and I imagine feeding him and controlling what he tastes and when.

Call me crazy, but is it too much to hope that a man might share my unique kink? Help!

Dear Crazy:

The good news is you’re actually not crazy. The bad news might be that you’re not even that unique. Others are out there, so spell out your desires for a hungry guy and see who bites.

Q Advice is entertainment and not professional counseling. Send your Qs to [email protected].

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This column appeared in Q ATLus magazine. Read the full issue online below:

Pick up each new edition of QATLus at LGBTQ and allied venues around Atlanta.

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