Learn the art of going from textual to sexual

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imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality who rants on sex, dating and pop culture while living at the corner of urge and merge. Find more from him at his blog.

If you can’t master the keys on the phone you’re never going to get the keys to his door.

Studies show the average person sends or receives over 100 texts a year. If you’ve met somebody you’re interested in, you’ve gotta learn the art of going from textual to sexual.

First, do not send an open-ended text. Here’s the very worst one you can send:

“Hey, what’s up?”

You may as well have texted:

“Would you mind coming up with something interesting to say because I’m so boring the plaster peels off the wall when I talk to it.”

Not only are you announcing that you’ve got the personality of a Kansas zip code, you’re leaving him in the awkward situation of creating the value for a conversation you started.

If you start a text thread don’t ask for value; deliver it.

Your goal shouldn’t be to start a conversation. It should be to bring a smile to their face. Be quirky, fun, observational. Which text would you rather get:

“Hi, how are you?”

Or

“I just saw a drag queen on a mini-scooter stop at a red light and fix her make-up. Can you believe that?”

Also, you’ve gotta reinforce the memory of your interaction–with wit. So tease out an inside joke or some recollection of your conversation. Let’s say you were both bitching about your jobs when you last talked. Your text should read something like this:

“I swear, my boss is so conceited he takes a bow when he hears thunder!”

Remember, the ultimate goal of texting is to bridge it into a fun, awkward-free phone conversation.

A couple of other points:

Initial texts should be short. Long messages = neediness. And if you haven’t noticed, length is the enemy of humor.

Proper grammar is a turn-on to the intelligent. Proof-read. At least for the first few texts. You don’t want to leave them with the impression that you’re an illiterate who kant spill.

With any luck, your future ex-husband will text some version of this:

“What are you up to?”

This is a major hint that he wants to hang out. Be confident. Don’t be a ninny without an opinion. Lead. Say something like:

“We’re going to Martinis at Imax and you’re bringing the vermouth!”

If he says he can’t or he’s too busy, here’s what you text:

“Break your plans. I’m more fun.”

It won’t convince him, but he’ll laugh and increase the chance of saying yes the next time.

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