Gay gym etiquette: How not to be an ass

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The gay gym is a serious place. There’s cruising to be done, friends to catch up with and dates to be scored. Occasionally there is also working out. But always, always there is etiquette to be followed. So pack in the pudge, quiet down and follow these pointers on how not to be an ass at the gym.

Pudge patrol

If your Thanksgiving pudge is pushing over the top of your workout shorts and under the bottom of your workout tank, buy a new one. It’s admirable that you are in the gym, working out and trying to lose that glistening muffin top. But no one wants to see it as you try to lose it.

Drying protocol

Hotties with biceps should dry off by walking laps around the locker room without towels. Everyone else? Behind a closed shower curtain, please.

No phone calls

Cellphones. It’s understandable if you’re texting the workout partner who’s running late after first warming up at his trick’s place. Or maybe you’re consulting your playlist or workout routine. That’s fine. But by no means should you be having a conversation, especially a loud one, while on a piece of cardio equipment. Save the chitchatting for brunch. This is a gym and serious shit is happening in here. Do not disrupt the concentration of others who are too focused on their workout routine to talk. It’s loud in here and you can’t hear the other end of the call anyway. Instead of talking louder, don’t talk at all. And certainly don’t stand in the locker room yelling into the phone complaining about bad cell reception. You’re in the gym. In the locker room. Of course the reception sucks. Hang up.

We’re not friends

Don’t friend me on Facebook just because I looked at your dick in the locker room. I don’t want to be friends with you, just your dick.

Sauna singing

It’s great that you like Ke$ha’s “Die Young,” “Some Nights” by fun and Flo Rida’s “I Cry.” I do, too. But it doesn’t mean that guys in the sauna want to hear you sing it. Or hear it through your overpriced, oversized headphones, either. Shhhh. And turn down the volume on your iPod, please. Save the singing for the shower. Your shower. At home.

Mirror mirror on the gym wall

It’s really great that your workout routine is making a difference. Or at least you think it’s working so well that you need to stop in front of the mirror on the wall behind the most popular equipment in the gym. We’ve all seen you do it, watching (and laughing) as you try to sneak a look by pulling up your shirt and flexing your abs. Or the abs you imagine you have. Or striking a pose to gauge the size of your guns, as if your imaginary biceps were real. Just don’t do it. You look silly, especially when you’re not equipped with the man parts needed for showing off in a public space. And if you do pose and snap a pic to post on Guys With iPhones, you have become a gay cliché. Now move along. You are blocking that machine I want to use.

Party of three?

Cruise all you want. But not if you’re there with your partner and he’s not interested or not aware. That makes for awkward shower scenes. Next time, leave him at home.

Sauna strecthing

The sauna is not a dance studio. It is there to check out hot guys in towels. Or for flushing toxins from your body. Or to relax. It is not to watch you stretch and listen to you grunt as you do it. It’s not to watch you twist, turn and do your cardio like you’re shooting a new exercise video for Richard Simmons. Sit down, please. Don’t move. Don’t talk. Just flex your abs.

Welcome straight dudes

If you’re a straight guy, welcome. Please check in at the sauna. Don’t be offended by grown men disrobing you with their eyes, cruising you in the locker room or offering to spot you on the workout floor. We are harmless. Horny for a straight guy with a six pack, but harmless. Also, you can ignore all the rules here. They apply only to the gays and definitely not hot straight guys like you. Have your own suggestions for gay gym etiquette? How about stories of gay gym douches? Leave them in the comments below or email us. Photo via Guys With iPhones

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