Farts, fingers and other tests of a man’s gayness

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Kordell Stewart is not gay. Just ask his wife Porsha, who leans on offensive stereotypes to proclaim that the former NFL quarterback and newest sidekick husband on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” is straight. Even if she won’t perform the finger test on him.

The drama that is Bravo’s top-rated member of the “Housewives” franchise has been undecidedly gay this season. Sure, we’ve had a dose of coochie crack gay and even a cameo by Chick-fil-A. But nothing like Season 4’s faggot-gate. Until now.

Porsha landed on New York’s Power 105.1 recently and dished about RHOA with “The Breakfast Club” hosts. About seven minutes into the interview (video above), they jumped on the long-running rumors that Kordell is gay. His sexual orientation has been the grist of rumor mills for years, even pushing the star quarterback to address them with his Pittsburgh Steelers teammates during a meeting in 1998.

When quizzed, Porsha fired back and in the minutes-long back-and-forth chatter, it’s tough to decide who peddles in offensive stereotypes about gay men more – her or the male co-hosts. In other words, perfect morning drive-time radio.

Let’s recap the junk stereotypes of the interview.

“One thing I do know is that my husband loves me and he puts it down and I will be with him forever.”

Kordell has gone this route, too, leaning on graphic descriptions of his heterosexuality to prove that he’s not gay. Honey child, please. How hard your man puts it to you has nothing at all to do with whether he’s gay. Don’t use his dick as a barometer for his sexual orientation. Gay guys do the ladies, too. Just ask the CDC. Or Oprah. Or John Travolta’s masseurs.

“He is more man for me than I have ever met. To me, gay is just out of the window.”

“I know my husband and I know a real man and I know when someone is probably not.”

Ah yes, the oldie-but-goodie “my husband is a man and gays aren’t real men” argument, put two different ways. It’s 2012 and we’re still debunking the stereotype that masculine men can’t be gay. It’s sometimes difficult to tell on RHOA, but come on. Manly men can be gay; flamboyant men can be straight. And straight dudes can wear skimpy Speedos and jog in Midtown with the gays.

“When he farts, does it make noise? You gotta look out for stuff like that. If he farts and it don’t make noise, it’s possible.”

If your farts don’t make noise, you’re a sissy who takes it up the ass. Get it? Ugh. And then Porsha and the hosts get into a discussion about the finger test. You know, if your man allows you to stick your finger in his ass, he’s gay.

“No, I can’t get down with that.”

That’s the response from Porsha when asked if she could stay with Kordell if he admitted to having gay sex in the past. So much for those wedding vows.

So despite on-air flashes of flamboyance and teammates saying the gay rumors sidetracked Kordell’s once-promising career, Porsha is convinced that her deep-thrusting manly man is all heterosexual. And she’s willing to swim in offensive stereotypes to prove her point.

Just don’t let him near Derek J. and Miss Lawrence and their gay lingo.


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