You've decided to go home for Thanksgiving with the family. And not “family” like when you see a guy at Publix wearing a blouse. Your actual family. And you're gayer than a bedazzled table runner.
There are way too many conversational landmines you can step on if your conservative, less gay friendly fam brings up current events. Make it through the holiday with your sanity intact while still making a contribution to the discussion by using this cheat sheet on how to navigate the hot topics.
The Gist: Those looking to sign up for one of the highly debated health care law's plans were greeted with massive technical issues with the website, providing ammunition for conservatives who opposed the law and/or anything that admitted queer lover President Obama supports.
What You Want to Say: “Pump your brakes, kids. It's only two months into the plan. Yes there have been issues but this will be a minor footnote when the law is considered long-term. Just two months. Just like that first two months of Uncle Howard's sentence for making it with the babysitter. You remember how little that was compared to the whole sentence, don't you Howard?”
What You Should Say: “Osamacare is a socialist experiment that will ruin this country. If the government wants to insist on universal health care, then I swear in the name of Ted Cruz I will insist on plunging this turkey carver into my heart. God Bless America.”
'Hunger Games: Catching Fire'
The Gist: America's favorite YA-novel-turned-film-series of the moment returns for the next installment, where tough girl Katniss, her pocket boyfriend Peeta and serial brooder Gale look at each other longingly in-between longing for each other with long faces. And children murder each other.
What You Want to Say: “I can't wait to see Catching Fire! It was filmed in Atlanta, Jennifer Lawrence is a badass, Josh Hutcherson is a straight ally who won't rule out being the meat in a man sandwich, and I would do unspeakable acts to Liam Hemsworth. Unspeakable.”
What You Should Say: “The character of Katniss is tougher than I am comfortable with females being, so she is obviously a lesbian. Josh Hutcherson's public support for homosexuals is an affront to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And Liam Hemsworth was in the first movie for less time than it takes me to empty six rounds out of my Glock, so I have no idea who that is.”
The Gist: Former Disney child star and Achy Breaky spawn is making the transition to adulthood by becoming a professional prostitute. Appears to suffer from tiny strokes that cause her tongue to stick out at an annoyingly frequent rate. Is responsible for your niece doing disturbing things with a foam finger and your grandmother knowing the meaning of the word “twerk.”
What You Want to Say: “Okay Miley is coming off pretty desperate. We get it, there is no limit to the amount of weed she will smoke, skin she will show or things she will say in order for people to never associate the words 'Hannah' and 'Montana' ever again. But she's actually a talented artist. If you ignore all the other BS, she's making solid, infectious music. She'll ditch the desperation in time and will have a long career.”
What You Should Say: “Let us bow our heads and pray for that demented little hooker.”
Gay Marriage Wins in Hawaii and Illinois
The Gist: The governors of Hawaii and Illinois recently signed legislation authorizing marriage equality, which will take effect in December in Hawaii and in June 2014 in Illinois. At that point, gay marriage will be legal in a total of 16 states, plus Washington D.C.
What You Want to Say: “Bravo! More states keep realizing they were on the wrong side of history and that gay couples deserve just the same rights and privileges as straight couples. I can't wait to hit Boystown and celebrate.”
What You Should Say: “Oh sweet 9 pound, 6 ounce Baby Jesus. What is this world coming to? First they cancel ‘Matlock’ and now this. What's next, giving my recliner the right to marry my Big Green Egg? Because you will not gay up my Big Green Egg!”
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
The Gist: Thousands of spectators converge on downtown New York City for the annual parade of floats, balloons and lip-synced performances. There will be appearances by drill teams, cheerleading squads, Miss America, Kristin Chenoweth, Megan Hilty, Richard Simmons and more.
What You Want to Say: “This is super gay.”
What You Should Say: “This is super gay.”
And if you're in gay Atlanta for the holiday, you can find salvation in this.