When friends become crushes or friends with benefits

One slept with their best friend. Another wants to but can't bring it up. Then there's a daisy chain of affection with none of the fun part. Let's talk.

Q:

You know when you wake up the next morning and go, “So that happened”? Well, it happened. I had sex with my best friend.

I saw it coming, but did he? If he sees it as a total mistake, things might be weird now. If he’s glad it happened, there could be more to explore.

When we’re not queening out and laughing, he’s kind of the strong-silent type. How can I find out where we stand?

Dear Mind Reader:

You didn’t write in to a psychic, but I am getting a signal. Like you, I have no idea how your friend feels. Luckily, we have a tried and true method to find out: Communication.

Ask him how he feels. From there, you’ll know how to move your friendship forward. Chances are that he is asking himself the same questions. Living in fear of the answers is worse than knowing them.

This is still your best friend, and you are still you. The only way to make it weird would be to let it fester. Barring supernatural insight, something tells me if you can queen out, laugh, and still want into each other’s pants, this may be a deeper match.

 

Q:

I’m in love with my best friend. Half the time I think she must know exactly how I feel, but the other half, she seems clueless.

To make matters worse, she is notorious for not sharing her feelings. I think a lot about how much I’d like to bring down her emotional barriers, but I’ve seen her bolt at the slightest hint somebody wants to get serious.

Blurting it out won’t work. I might spook her permanently. I’ve made eyes and dropped hints until the cows come home. She’s not reading them. How can I get through?

Dear Lovesick:

There’s a reason communication is key: It works. Even so, too much of it can be Kryptonite for some people who view facing feelings as tantamount to self-destruction.

That’s a problem, but it’s pointless and ineffective to make it yours alone to fix. Forcing people into conversations they aren’t equipped to handle can be disastrous.

You have two choices. One is to let it go without revealing yourself. The other is to tell her in the most non-confrontational way possible – “Hey, I’ve got this situation, and I’m wanting to know your thoughts (not feelings!) about it.”

And then, and this is critical, you still have to let it go. Yes, really. If she’s interested, let her circle back around to it in her own time.

The former option to leave it unspoken may sound harsh but is worth considering. If you are the type of person who pushes for emotional resolutions, not only are you her worst nightmare, you won’t thrive in a relationship that avoids communication, either. You might be better off not getting involved.

 

Q:

Here’s a super gay conundrum for you. I’m want a guy named Paul, but Paul has the hots for Noah. And, yep, Noah is all about me. Help!

Dear Coven Cluster:

That you’re all friends is a great start. Buy a bottle of wine and call a meeting. Y’all’s knots can’t get any more twisted by applying some honest communication to the situation.

The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This article originally appeared in Q magazine. Pick it up around town, and read the digital version below: