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imageIf you must have a vampire and a werewolf fight over you, it should be Eric and Alcide, and they should definitely both strip before they do it. That’s the ever-put-upon Sookie’s plight on “True Blood” this week.

Sookie has enough trouble controlling Eric in his dazed and confused state after the witches put a spell on him. Now three sheets to the wind on Faerie blood and running away, he’s being a very bad boy indeed. Time to call in backup.

As if Alcide (top photo) heard us lamenting the show’s lack of skin last week, he starts unbuttoning his shirt, then pulling down his pants. Thanks! Sookie gawks along with us, and the chase is on to find Eric – thanks again! – skinny dipping in the lake. We think they’re arguing, but we’re too distracted by all the abs, pecs and obliques to hear a word they say.

imageAnd it doesn’t matter much. As plot developments drag in the early days of Season 4, at least the humor and the eye candy quotients are high. Jason’s never-ending escape from the hillbilly panthers gives us some of both. While we laugh at the Uncle Daddy, Brother Husband, Big Mama Kitty jokes, Jason’s role as sex slave (middle photo) finally ends, and he’s on the run half naked through the woods. Crazy Crystal catches up to him long enough to show us some skin, too.

Speaking of inbreeding, back in the land of the clothed, Bill goes to meet Portia’s (and Andy’s) grandmother – a nice surprise with “Soap” and “Who’s the Boss?” alumna Katherine Helmond in the role of Caroline. But the news is bad. When Caroline delves into the family tree, it turns out that while the Vampire King’s been doing Portia, he’s actually been sexing his own great-great-great-great granddaughter. Ew.

imageMeanwhile, the gay Wiccans and Tara – When is she going to leave and go back to her hot girlfriend? When will the promised sexual heat between Lafayette and Jesus transpire? – are on a mission to reverse the spell they put on Eric before the other pseudo lesbian, Pam, loses her patience. Too late: Head witch Marnie visits the Spanish Inquisition, finds the witch she’s been channeling, and just as they’re about to fix Eric, Pam goes all potty mouth. Marnie, in full witchy voodoo trance, stops Pam in her tracks (bottom photo), then for good measure fucks up her face – bad. Ouch.

Just as quickly as the show trots through umpteen other plotlines, Sam gets to know Luna better, Tommy is entrapped by his trashy parents, Nan Flanagan criticizes Bill’s leadership skills, Jessica and Hoyt rescue a near-death Jason, Hoyt’s mom is a bitch, and the writing’s on the wall for Terry and Arlene’s evil baby.

Confused? Yeah, the plots are thicker than Alcide’s torso, which we hope to see even more of as the season starts to wind its way toward the good stuff.