Speak Up: How to ask for and get what you want in bed

Q:

Of all the people I’ve been with, only a few have what it takes to really get me in the mood. They expect me to throw my heels in the air and give it to them fast and hard like it’s $5 Footlong Day at Subway and I’m punching frequent customer cards.

You’ve got to talk to the lady before you come through the gate, am I right? A finger, a tongue, or even a hint of passion should be the standard, not the exception. I feel like foreplay doesn’t get a lot of consideration anymore, especially for us bottoms when it comes to anal.

Is it me? Is it asses in general? Is it disrespect for bottoms and subs? Is it disrespect for anyone’s needs but their own? Please help me tell people that a little foreplay goes a long way? I’m not saying it should be all my way, but it shouldn’t be their way or the highway either.

Dear Sub Way:

Consider yourself heard and seen here, but you can’t complain about not getting something you never asked for in bed. As good as you are at expressing yourself, which probably makes you a super fun bottom, maybe you're embarrassed to say the words when the time comes to get what you want. 

Not only may it be a lack of consideration on the top’s part, it can be more likely for you as a naturally drawn submissive to be upfront with your desires. You can’t buy into the attitudes of some doms (the less successful ones, I might add) who dismiss subs. You have just as much right to get what you want as they do.

Some people do have a love/hate relationship with anal pleasures. Talk about it. Let partners know you're ready and the coast is clear, so to speak. Consider showering together not only as fun foreplay but a subconscious support of being spic and span.

If you like dirty talk, say it straight up, and show your excitement. If you’re too shy to say something, then try directing your partner's hands, fingers and other parts. React when they hit the spot(s).

As for salad tossing, health experts would want us to mention the readily available Hepatitis A & B vaccines for both partners. If you’re good to go, go for the goods. 

Finally, reciprocity is the name of the game. There are no hotter words than, “my turn.”

Most partners will be grateful for a little direction and clarity when you ask for what you want. Here are a few tips:

Empower yourself to get what you want. You both deserve pleasure.

Choose the tone and setting to talk about it.

Be clear and concise, not euphemistic.

Make the talk part of the foreplay.

Make positive statements: “I’d love it if you do,” not “I hate it when you don’t…”

Ask them about their needs.

Illustration by Brad Gibson

The Q is intended for entertainment, not professional help. Send your burning Qs to [email protected].

This column originally appeared in Q magazine. Find past editions of The Q advice column here, and read the latest issue of the magazine online here:

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