The best advice is often the simplest, like these drive-by queer truths

Some problems take effort to unpack. Others are easy for everyone to see a solution but you. Take these quick-hit answers to LGBTQ conundrums in this edition of The Q.


I make it a habit not to have sex with poz guys. Friends say I’m prejudiced. I say I’m careful. You know stuff. What’s the word?

Dear Wrong:

The word you’re looking for is shortsighted. On the one hand, you miss good sex with some potentially great guys if you avoid the ones telling you they’re positive. On the other, how do you know the guy you’re doing is negative? 

What if he lies? What if he thinks he’s negative but hasn’t been diagnosed yet? What if the same is true of you and you’re exposing others?



My longtime partner has all but given up doing little things to win my affection. Where are my flowers? 

Dear Needy:

Go buy flowers if you like flowers. Then give them to him and say you were thinking of him. Enjoy the view together, and mention that you liked it when you used to do such things for each other.



I found out I’m HIV positive right as things were getting going with a new guy who I really like. I’m afraid telling him will ruin our chances. What’s my obligation here?

Dear Reckless:

There’s a saying that our readers in recovery know well: We are only as sick as our secrets. There’s a sure cure for what’s really ailing you: Honesty.



I’ve been with my girlfriend for about eight months, and she asked me to marry her. I know in my heart it’s right, but I’m hesitant over the short timeframe. Should I be?

Dear Rush:

Before marriage equality, queers used to just move in together too quickly. Now some of us are jumping to the altar. Listen to yourself. The hesitation means ease up. If it’s right, you’ll be feeling it even more in a year or two. Say yes to a long engagement.



When I was younger, I left on the lights during sex. I loved seeing every detail, expression, even watching her face while we kiss. Lately, I flip off the switch when it’s time, mainly because I’m self-conscious about looking older. I do miss the visuals though.

Dear Dark:

Queer self-image as we age is a whole column in itself, but here’s a quick suggestion for now: Candles. They set a mood, plus the amber light evens skin tones and hides imperfections. 



I get bombarded with hateful messages just because my Grindr profile says, “No Fats, No Femmes, No Blacks. No Browns.” I have nothing against those people, but I don’t want to have sex with them. Is that wrong?

Dear Biased:

There is a line between preference and prejudice, and you crossed it. Every person has physical “types,” but writing off entire demographics is shortsighted and rude at best, bigoted at worst.

Knowing what you prefer is one thing; judging a "those people" as you call them on one trait without seeing them is another. There’s a word for it, it starts with “R,” and your profile detractors are probably using it. 

In your profile, try praising things you like instead of profiling things you don’t. You don’t have to announce why you swipe left. Then again, if conscious bigotry is motivating you, keep your profile as is – so the rest of us can swipe left on you.

The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson