I always thought the straight people would end up being zombies and the end of days would be queers fighting them off in some sort of “Sissy That Walking Dead” scenario. But it turns out it is much worse than that.
Truly, this is hardly the End of Gays, but these are trying times. Here are some hot tips to keep shut ins from being shut down during quarantine.
It’s getting scarier by the day, but if any people are used to feeling scared and uncertain, it is queer people. We were built to live in a world that is low-key trying to stifle, stunt and almost kill us at every turn. If you can’t watch the news without screaming at the television, maybe only scream at every other lie a certain orange-faced politician tells. Pace yourself. He will lie again, and you’ll have more chances to yell in the short term and long-term future.
Passion of the Ration
If you are a bottomless pit of hunger and despair and nothing triggers it more than a pandemic. Don’t eat 8,000 calories in a single day of food that was supposed to last two weeks. Pan what you are going to have for dinner at lunch, and plan breakfast during dinner, and so on.
Nothing makes time move faster in a movie than a dance montage, and nothing starts a dance montage like a dance party. Put on some music and move, and before you know it, you’ll be in a better mood, burn a few calories and passed some time. Dance parties can also be combined with cleaning blitzes for faster chores and the most fun part of your day.
Nap or Meditate
Or just say you’re meditating and nap. You need the time just to break up the day, and you can use it to let your subconscious do some heavy lifting. Try meditation apps like Calm. It could create a new healthy habit that you take out of quarantine.
Don’t fool yourself. No matter how long you’ve lived where you are, you have clutter. Take the time to go through junk drawers, closets and bookshelves. Make piles of what to toss, what to donate and what to resell after the quarantine. Feel free to hold up a wig you bought 17 years ago and wore once and scream, “This sparks my joy, I’m keeping it!” Sure, you’ll toss it, but this way is pretty fun.
Shower and Make the Bed
If given the ability, man will descend head first into madness. If you engage in routine tasks, you won’t find yourself unbathed and undressed for a week straight. Stay in the habit, even it is just sweatpants, and you’ll love yourself a little more.
If you nap in an unmade bed, you are a depressed person. If you take a nap on a made bed, you are a go-getter who knows when it’s time to recharge your battery. Also, if you ain’t keeping it cute, you severely reduce the chances for some quality quarantine sexy time.
Spend time Apart
Based on how close your quarters are, this one could be tough, but it is also the most crucial. If you are not used to spending every moment together, short times apart give you each some “you” time — even if it is both of you in the same room listening to music on headphones.
If you both work from home, separate for the work day, reconvene for lunch, and split again for the afternoon. Simply saying, “If you see me reading, don’t talk to me until I’m done, please,” or “Let me finish writing this article before you start yelling about what Trump just tweeted” can go a long way.
Ian Aber is a queer comedian living and loving, and not killing his husband, in Atlanta.
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