Help for queers who are green, fugly and worry too much

Got a significant other so hot you're a jealous mess? Aging and letting yourself feel like a troll? Step 1 is to stop worrying, because wringing your hands only compounds your issues.


My significant other is so hot, sometimes I have to excuse myself at work just to go diddle out my thoughts in private. Seriously.

People everywhere we go agree. I’m ridiculously jealous of them, and to make it worse, I’m actually envious of my s/o, too.

I don’t think I’m ugly, but sometimes I wish Mother Nature made me as hot as my boo. I love having them at my side, but I wonder if other people think I’m not worthy. Help!

Dear Green:

Gay people are in a position to both want, and want to be, people of their same sex. The inner push-and-pull is unique, but your struggle with it is not. 

Tap into knowing that this beautiful person chose to be with you. If they think you’re worthy, so should you. Their attraction toward you will erode if you behave jealously – not because you’re ugly, but because you’re insecure. They’ll also notice if you choose instead to trust them. So will the jealous bitches dishing about your relationship as if it’s any of their business.

You can’t change nature, but worrying without changing your perspective is just emotional self-flagellation. Stop it.


When I was in my 20s and 30s, I had more confidence than I deserved, and it showed. As I push well into my mid 40s, I feel old, fat and ugly. Everywhere I turn are signs of ageism in the LGBTQ community, and the little Body Nazis judging everybody are killing my self worth. 

Dear Fugly:

Getting older is certainly better than the alternative, and a slew of our queer brethren died before finding that out. They might tell us that aging is a privilege.

Acknowledge queer ageism, but don’t absorb it. Reject the groupthink mentality about youthful beauty, especially from younger people, and re-evaluate for yourself: How much better off are you than when you were their age? How much are your knowledge and life skills worth? Would you really take your old body back in exchange for all you’ve gained? 

Your experiences define you, and your life is rich with them. You’re younger today than you will ever be again, so stop worrying.

The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This column originally appeared in Q magazine. Read the latest issue, enjoy all of the past editions of The Q advice column, and look for a new issue of Q each week.