Declining sexual advances reveals fragile gay male ego

"He said I sent mixed signals, and that he doesn’t have time for games — all because I didn’t drop everything and drop my panties."


I was at a major pool party and ran into a guy I’ve dated and slept with a few times. He was feeling his extra helping of cocktails, and we were both enjoying him being a little more touchy-feely than usual. 

He made a few drunk comments about marrying me and how much he wanted us to get serious. It was sort of awkward since I was more sober than him, but mostly it was kinda cute. I even expressed my own interest in moving things forward.

He was with his friends, and I was with mine, so we kept touching base throughout the event. At the end of the night, he wanted to go home together, and I declined. 

It just wasn’t good timing. I’ve had issues in the past with mis-matched levels of alcohol, and to be honest, his cocktails weren’t doing my attraction any favors. I didn’t say any of that and just kept it light, figuring he could go have fun and I’d see him again another time.

After ignoring me for two days, he went off about how I was clearly not interested in him, that I sent mixed signals because I allowed the flirtations but didn’t “seal the deal,” and how he is grown and doesn’t have time for games — all because I didn’t drop everything and drop my panties when he wanted. He had been apparently been fuming since the party.

From my perspective, I acted interested in him during the event, and I thought there might be something there. I tried to explain and express my interest, but he kept snubbing me while circling back to three points — I didn’t go home with him, I wasn't ready for him, and he was too mature for it. 

At one point, I really liked this guy and wondered if there was a future. Should I give him time and try again?

Dear Red Flags:

Time out! Huddle up. This man just showed you who he is. Take a good, long look.

His drunkenness is less of an issue than his reactions later when he was sober. Getting tipsy and handsy at a party is nothing new, and unless it’s indicative of an ongoing problem, that part is probably fine. 

Still, the field is littered with flags on the play. Let’s pick up one at a time:

He has you questioning your behavior, your past experiences, your decisions, your communication choices. Don’t fall for it. It’s an internal diversion from his own shortcomings.

Anyone who continually reiterates how grown up they are, isn’t.

His fragile ego took a blow after he made “all the right moves” and still didn’t get laid. Reminder: It is perfectly OK to decline sex for any reason or for no reason.

It’s not mixed signals to express attraction for someone and still decide that sex is not on the table — for one night or forever.

Demoting you from marriage material to curb trash in one swoop proves it was never about you.

Dating is not a contest to see who is more interested. For someone who doesn’t like games, he’s playing this one for keeps.

Someone who won’t talk to you until they’ve decided where they stand, and who determines your motivations without your input, throws down the final flag with “Run!” written on it.

This feature originally ran in Q Magazine. Read the full issue online here:

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