A queer guide to sex etiquette before, during & after

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How do you spice things up? What line wouldn't you cross? How to acknowledge one night stands? Three reader inquiries on how to respect partners.


After an orgasm that shook my roof off, my hus-bear surprised me and said I’m “not spontaneous any more.” I thought I was being spontaneous by not planning out every encounter and going with the flow.

Well apparently now he’s bored. I love the old ball and chain beyond measure, but sometimes I just want the booty. What can I do?

Dear Stale:

Your man gets points for putting his sexual cards on the table, gets a few deducted for how he went about it. Instead of saying what he doesn’t want, and that it’s you not him, he should tell you what he does want so you can give it to him. The trouble may be that he doesn’t know.

What he really means is that he wants to be surprised and unstructured. It’s not hard to be a little unpredictable and a lot appreciated, though it may not feel like it when you’ve been together a long time.

Step into the shower while he’s in there. Let him catch you cooking dinner in an apron and nothing else. Bend him over the dining room table and pull down his pants. Whisper what you want to do to him while you’re out in public. You get the picture.



Even after years, my girlfriend and I are sexually adventurous in all kinds of ways. But this week she finally suggested something that stopped me in my tracks: She wants to video us having sex.

My downstairs say go, but my upstairs says no. What if we break up and she shares it? What if someone else finds it?

I’ve never told my girlfriend no before. What if it’s a deal breaker?

Dear PornHub:

First off, if this is a deal breaker, you might have the wrong girlfriend. You say you’ve been together years, so don’t worry if she finally found a boundary you can’t cross.

There’s no one answer for whether to shoot or not to shoot a sex video. Go into it knowing that, even under perfect circumstances, there will be a recording in the world of you having sex. Ask if Future You is likely to want to kick your ass for that.

But before you decide, are there ways to hide your identity and still enjoy recording it? Shoot from the waist down, or experiment with masks or hoods. It could provide yet another layer of interest. Do these ideas ease your mind?

Your real conundrum comes down to trust. Do you trust your girlfriend under every circumstance not to share the video, ever, and to store it where it can’t be easily discovered? If not, the answer to this question might be the same as my first sentence.



I ran into a couple I had sex with once, gave them the obligatory head nod, and bitches looked past me like week-old leftovers. What’s the proper way to acknowledge former one night stands?

Dear How Rude:

I’m with you. If a one-night-stand is worth trying on for size, they’re at least worth the hello you’d throw a neighbor while walking the dog. Queer Atlanta is way too small to think you’ll never see each other again. They’re not obligated to acknowledge you, but it would be the grown and civil thing to do.

The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This article originally appeared in our Q magazine print edition. Pick it up around town, and read the full issue below:



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