A cheat sheet for surviving un-gay Thanksgiving

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You will almost certainly spend a portion, if not all, of your Thanksgiving holigay in very non-gay surroundings. Maybe you’re stuffed into an airplane and returning to that place you once fled for the big gay city. Or you’re a loser stuck toasting Turkey Day with some married friends who invite you over to assuage their married-with-two-children progressive guilt. It’s possible you lost the short straw contest with your partner so now you’re stuck stroking his grandma’s doylies all weekend. Whatever the reason, you were plucked from your comfortable gayborhood and airdropped into mainstream America without your glitter. It’s a long weekend and you will run out of things to talk about. Use this cheat sheet and maybe, just maybe you will become the belle of this (un-gay) ball.

Election Day

The Gist: The black guy won. Again. This was more than two weeks ago, but conservative family members will still be scratching their heads wondering how they followed Rush Limbaugh and Karl Rove down the rabbit hole and emerged convinced Mitt Romney would win when he really lost. To Obama. What You Want to Say: “Fired up! Ready to go! Four more years! He’s the gayest president in history.” Progressive straight friends will appreciate this. Your conservative, racist grandparents will not. What You Should Say: This country is going to hell in a handbasket. You know, the ones you buy at Walmart not Target. At the hands of this socialist, the next four years will be scary. Thank god for talk radio. And Fox News.

Elmo Sex Scandal

The Gist: Gay dude Kevin Clash and his falsetto have voiced Elmo, the most popular of the Seasame Street characters, for 28 years. During that time, Clash may (or may not) have had dirty, sweaty, squeal-inducing, toe-curling sex with a string of street hustlers, criminals, thugs and miscreants who may (or may not) have been under the legal age of consent. Money, gifts and other niceties may (or may not) have been exchanged. When the first accuser surfaced, Clash denied it and took a vacay from his job. The accuser recanted and then, after inking what was supposed to be a hush-hush $125,000 settlement, the accuser recanted his recantation and said that, yep, some underage stuff happened. On Tuesday, a second accuser stepped forward, held a press conference and sued Clash for $5 million. Clash quit Elmo. What You Want to Say: Elmo has adult male friends and sometimes Elmo likes to role play. Don’t we all? But Elmo checks driver’s licenses and all of Elmo’s friends are of legal age to consent. Or try this: I’ve dressed up as Elmo for Dragon*Con and watched a furry orgy. (Said with nervous laughter.) What You Should Say: Elmo and those Sesame Street characters are a front for the type of liberal free-sex attitudes leading to the destruction of our country. This is what people warned us about if gay marriage gained a toehold in this country. PBS and NPR should not get another dime of taxpayer funding. (Employ sufficient outrage and disbelief.)

The Petraeus Affair

The Gist: Former American Gladiator turned CIA chief Gen. David Petraeus boinked his biographer while still married to his less hot wife. He resigned from his job to avoid the scandal playing out publicly. It didn’t work. Some harlot in Tampa tried to make her moves on the general, too, but Mistress No. 1 elbowed potential Mistress No. 2 out of the way. What You Want to Say: This manwhore is exactly why straight people shouldn’t be allowed to marry. They are promiscuous. They lack self-restraint. They don’t respect the institution of marriage and its sole purpose, which is to create little manwhores that grow into four-star ones. What You Should Say: Petraeus for president! This is a private matter between consenting adults and I don’t care what people do in the privacy of their bedrooms. Bonus conspiracy theory points if you tie the Petraeus scandal into the Benghazi riots.

Gay Marriage

The Gist: Voters in three states – Maine, Maryland and Washington – approved gay marriage on Nov. 6. In Minnesota, a gay marriage ban was defeated. Now, the U.S. Supreme Court is expected to take up the issue and decide which of several cases they might hear to address the question of legalizing gay marriage. Marriage equality activists are hoping to use momentum gained on Election Day to lobby for gay marriage in other states. Possibilities include Oregon, Rhode Island, Delaware, Minnesota, Colorado, Hawaii and New Jersey. What You Want to Say: Mom and dad, I’m getting married. I’m looking for a husband on Grindr right now. What You Should Say: The gays got a lesbian into the U.S. Senate. Isn’t that enough? Marriage isn’t for me. I don’t want to be forced into some patriarchal institution that wasn’t created for me. I’m fine with celibacy. In fact, I’m talking this over with that young priest you introduced me to last time I visited. Ran into him at the gym yesterday. Bonus points for double entendre. Your closeted gay uncle will appreciate this (and ask to hit the gym with you).

Anderson Cooper

The Gist: Sexy silver fox Anderson Cooper hosts that daytime talk show grandma watches between her stories. He also dodges bombs in Gaza and reads the news for CNN. And he hosts a TV party with comedian Kathy Griffin on New Year’s Eve in which she’s contractually obligated to not mention that he’s gay. Cooper lives in a converted firehouse in New York City and has a hot bar owner boyfriend who likes to kiss other guys in public parks. What You Want to Say: He’s such a bottom. What You Should Say: Who? I watch Fox News. That Shepard Smith is such a cutie! Or screw it and drink. Or stay in Atlanta and party.

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