The leaked nude selfies of Dylan Sprouse had me wondering if gay guys do selfies as poorly as straight guys. They do. So thank goodness I'm here to help.
Last month, the clouds parted, angels sang and nude photos of the former Disney star were bestowed upon us by gay baby Jesus. Christmas came early, y’all! While they admittedly were boner-inducing and those of us who are cock-hungry fiends take what we can get in terms of leaked nudes of male celebrities, I still have to say I was kind of disappointed we didn’t get a clearer view of the goodies.
I thought to myself, “These straight people need to get it together!” That’s when I realized maybe it was just that they haven’t been properly instructed on how to take nude selfies. A quick cruise through Guys With iPhones (photo) shows the gays have trouble, too. So here's how I can help you meet your resolution of sexier selfies in 2014.
Straight guys don’t really care that much about cleanliness, but for the gays, after the initial UNF factor wears off, you’re going to be judged on the asepsis of your surroundings. In Dylan’s case, it’s sort of understandable his mirror is a little dirty, given his heterosexuality, but elsewhere his bathroom is well-kept. As for the rest of you slobs, it takes about 30 seconds to tidy up enough to keep your shit out of the frame, so there’s no excuse.
Fix that body.
Look, there have been times when I haven’t been in the best of shape, so I get being insecure about your physique. That said, there are plenty of ways to make your sub-par frame look much better than it is if you’re taking a full-body shot: pose, lighting and angles, to name a few. Use all of these factors to your advantage.
Every guy should manscape to some degree. If you’re not into manscaping, know this: it will make your dick look bigger if you do. That fact alone should be enough motivation for every man to keep it well-groomed down there. Not to mention no one likes getting a pube in their mouth while going down on someone. I’m not saying you have to be so clean-shaven you look pre-pubescent, just keep it in check.
Erect penises are hot; flaccid penises are just kind of funny-looking. If we’ve learned anything from the likes of Chris Brown and Anthony Weiner, it’s that a flaccid dick pic will do you no favors. You want your dick to look virile and robust, not a damn enfeebled anteater snout.
Crafty contours are key.
If you’re lacking in the dick department, crafty contours are key. If you’re too far away, you’re going to make your dick look smaller. Instead, fill the photo with your penis and your dick will go from David to Goliath. Just keep in mind that if you’re planning to have sex with someone, they’ll inevitably be seeing your penis, so don’t get cray with it. By the same token, if you’re pretty confident in your dick size, don’t be a douche about it. We don’t need to see a can of shaving cream or your remote control being held alongside it for comparison. If you really feel the need to contrast your junk with something, just grab your dick. Your hand will make for a more than sufficient juxtaposition.
Own up to it.
To his credit, Dylan didn’t go the usual that’s-not-me/I-was-hacked route:
And that, my friends, is how you handle your nudies leaking like a boss, which is also why every one of these steps is imperative. In the event your nudes do leak, and they will, you can at least hold your head high and be like, “Yeah, that’s my schlong…”
A version of this post first appeared on Homogram.