If the arctic blast making gay Atlanta shiver isn't reminder enough that it's time to bulk up the undergarments, Grindr alerted us, too. So let's explain why we're excited it's cold enough for long john season.
They keep you warm.
Obviously. True story: I’m a naturally hot-natured person, so even in winter you’ll likely find me wearing flip-flops or really any open-toed shoe. What I’ve always done to counterbalance the fact that it’s fucking 30 degrees outside and I’m wearing flip-flops is throw on a pair of long johns underneath my pants and pull them down a bit. That way, they effectively cover half of my foot while subsequently going unnoticed because my pants hang over them. It’s a pragmatic counterpoise between the cold and my need to not feel claustrophobic by wearing closed-toe shoes.
They cradle your cock.
I mean, Andrew Christian does a great job of keeping your junk in place, but long johns were the original Andrew Christians. Long johns are literally stitched to not only emphasize your penis, but to make a restful wang as comfortable as possible. It’s like a less attractive, cotton version of a jockstrap.
It's impossible to hide anything.
The downside (or maybe upside, depending on how you look at it) is that because long johns are tailored with your cock in mind, it also enhances your hard-on. It can be convenient if you’re DTF, but elsewhere just becomes a nuisance. I mean, no one wants to have a hard-on strolling through Hobby Lobby. It does, however, make it really easy to judge which guy will be worth your time. It makes a power bottom’s life so much more efficient.
Speaking of which, even if you’re not a raging power bottom like me, long johns always enhance the ass. It’s almost impossible for your ass to look awful in long johns. Naked your ass could look like two mounds of cottage cheese, but in long-johns it’s going to look like someone implanted two boulders into your ass. Honestly, who needs squats when you have long-johns?
They look best when they come off.
While long johns are pretty sexy when they’re on a person, they look even better when they come off. Considering the preface to them coming off generally involves some fluffed fun, there's really nothing hotter than pulling down long johns and having your face in front of what's tucked inside.