Touch myself: Pleasuring our way past pesky sexual hang-ups

The Q advice column answers queer conundrums each week in Q magazine. This week: Touch yourself.

Q:

I love sex as much as the next lesbian. Show me a girl, and right or wrong, I decide within milliseconds what she looks like naked, whether or not I’d do her, and how it would be if I did.

The “how it would be” is where I run into problems. I may be too specific about exactly what I want, and too dismissive about what I don’t want. A former girlfriend of mine who became a friend later says that it’s weird how I’m only into giving oral but just not into it when she tries to reciprocate, or anyone suggests another “activity.”

I honestly don’t care if anything besides oral ever happens, yet other girls can’t cum without "everything else."

I’m amazing at giving pleasure, but why can’t I care enough about the other stuff to do what every other girl wants?

Dear Mouthy:

Don’t stress about wanting what you want. Humans are remarkably diverse in their sexual triggers.

So I agree that you’re fixated on oral, but I disagree “everything else” is “what everyone else wants,” as if all earthlings leave you grappling with this alien issue because you are terminally unique. You’re not. Your friend and some other people like what they like, but your own sexual match(es) are out there – in droves. 

Still, as much as there is nothing wrong with having preferences, there’s no harm in adding to your roster of moves. Don’t do it for your sexual partners; do it to expand your own horizons. 

“Ease into” other climaxes through masturbation, when there’s no pressure to please anyone but yourself. Look at and imagine scenes that give you a full view of what you desire but a few new stimuli as well. Over time, increase the “other stuff” and decrease the oral visuals.

Q:

I can’t orgasm when I’m with someone, but I’m Geyser McFountain when I’m alone. I can’t tell you how many times I stop trying, get the other person where they’re going sexually, then hobble home over my blue balls until I can get the job done in private.

One-night stands are really not a problem, because I don’t care what they think. It’s the people I actually date and like who are sometimes offended – or worse, sad and confused – when they can’t be part of getting me off. I can prepare for the moment all day, but when the time comes, I can’t get there. Help!

Dear Solo:

The good news is that you’re not completely unable to perform at all, as with erectile dysfunction. The even-better news is that you can conquer this.

“Ejaculatory incompetence” is like being pee shy. When someone else is looking, the floodgates run dry. So first, relax. “Preparing for the moment all day” may be psyching you out. Enjoy the sex without the grand finale in mind.

Just like I told Mouthy above, the cure might come via masturbation. Include stimulation in which the person is looking right at you, then slowly increase the ratio of that imagery. You could even get a fellow experimenter to masturbate with you while facing away or blindfolded. Have them look at you once your orgasm has started but not early enough to stop it. Gradually introduce their gaze earlier in the process. It takes time, but the meantime could be super fun. 

Key words: No pressure!

The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This column originally appeared in Q magazine. Read the latest issue, enjoy all of the past editions of The Q advice column, and look for a new issue of Q magazine each week online and around town.