That time you knew what you wanted but hated when you got it

Whether it's longterm love, short term disagreements or queer life passing you by in the closet, everyone encounters moments when what they thought was, well, thought wrong. The Q offers advice.

Q:

I’m hopelessly in love, emphasis on hopeless. I’ve been with the same man for two years – the longest I’ve ever stayed with a guy. We’re sexually compatible, and on a good day he makes me laugh. Those bad days though! Ugh!

It started as passive-aggressive comments, then became outright belittling my every move. These days, I can’t make a decision without a critique from him, even in front of friends. I want to give him a second chance because I really love the guy, but what I see as insults he says is helping me be better.

How can I get him to stop before everything is ruined?

Dear Sucker:

Everything is already ruined. After two years, he has already had a second chance – and a third, and a hundredth. You don’t need help being better; you need a boyfriend who sees you as already amazing.

You’re scared of losing love, but love is the beginning, not the end of the story. It’s not that you don’t love each other, it’s how you love each other.

Knowing when to walk away is hard, but it’s often the best thing you can do for yourself. The quicker you pull the trigger, the less energy you spend making up for lost time.

 

Q:

When my girlfriend and I got serious years ago, we connected over hating heteronormative bullshit ideas of marriage. We loved not having the restrictions of government telling us how to live our lives and conduct our coupling.

Of course, times change and so do people. Now she’s starting to talk about us as “wives,” and I sense that she’s softening to the idea of harnessing our love to the system.

Dear Rigid:

Start by talking it out. “Sensing” what she’s thinking may come easier with the years you two have under your belts, but it’s no substitute for just asking where she stands.

Just because the gay wedding train is rolling doesn’t mean it’s the trip for you – and it doesn’t mean it isn’t just because “so straight.” If she is interested in marriage, ask her why – not to respond, but to listen. Together you can decide whether you come to a new agreement or decide to stick with your old one.

Couples, straight and queer are marrying at the pace of a bad reality show, but each one should think carefully, then step back and consider again before going all in. Even with your experience together, consider the options and know your deal breakers before making the knot even harder to untie.

 

Q:

I spent many 80-hour weeks making partner at my firm, and now I’m ready to build a personal life. But at 37, the queer world has passed me by! I’m busy all the time, and no guys are interested. What should I do?

Dear Time Crunch:

Too many queers spend our younger years finding success without regard to finding balance.

Life is short. Slow down and find a way to savor it. Define yourself by more than what you do for a living. It’s never too late to start.

Plenty of guys are interested in a partner with a good job who knows (finally) what he wants.

The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This feature originally appeared in Q magazine. Read the full issue below, and pick up your hard copy around town.