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At a loss for what to say when your partner wants you to talk dirty in bed? Doing so just makes you giggle? You’ll do it and you’ll love it, you dirty little sex fiend, with a few tips to get you started.

imageHey, Mike!
My boyfriend wants me to talk dirty to him during sex. The problem is, I have no idea what to say. I just feel stupid, and worse, I keep laughing.

What should I say, and how can I keep a straight face without feeling ridiculous?

Dear Giggly:
“Talking dirty” adds another dimension to the sexual experience. Think about it: Sex engages four out the five senses: taste, touch, sight and smell. Unless you talk, you leave out the fifth sense—hearing.

imageAdding wordplay to foreplay is a great way to make your sex life fire on all cylinders. The first rule of spicing things up with Tabasco Talk is to forget the flowery prose. Any word with more than two syllables is a word with too many syllables.

Start by simply narrating the action. Describe what you’re doing and feeling. Once you get used to talking in bed, the trashy talk will come naturally.

Try an erotic appreciation exercise. Simply notice something about his body that you like and say something about it (“I like the shape of your dick when it’s completely hard.”) Then say something about his style in bed (“I love the way your kisses automatically make my nipples erect.”)

It’s simple, really. All you’re doing is putting your thoughts on external speaker.

If you’re still feeling a little funny, then do what you do when you eat a great dessert—moan and groan. Not many syllables to them, but animalistic sounds can speak a thousand dirty words and lead to even more.

imageContributing blogger Mike Alvear is an Atlanta-based columnist, author and TV personality. Dating life in the dirt? Download his ebooks, “Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language,” and “Attract Hotter Guys Online: The Secrets To Making Yourself Irresistible on Gay Dating Sites.” Have a question for Need Wood? Just .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).