How to cut the cord on those uniquely queer mommy issues

Whether you're still parenting an ex after a break up, or a grown adult living and partying with mom into your 30s, you've got queer mommy issues. Life Judge in The Q can clear the psychological underbrush.


My ex and I broke up a few months ago, and I’m still living in her house. I mean, it didn’t work out, but that’s no reason not to split the bills, am I right?

We’re both solid, reliable lesbian citizens, but to say there are no roommate issues would be a lie. Mostly we’ve both been pretty cool, but she still tries to mother me in ways that I couldn’t tolerate when we were together.

It’s like I’m inconveniencing her when I spend the night out, or stay out on a work night. She says he’s looking out for me, but I’m pretty sure she’s just jealous. How can I stay cool with everything and still let her know she needs to move on?


Dear Lazy Leslie:

Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees, so let’s clear some of the psychological underbrush. Start with the emotional weeds.

No matter how cool you try to be, and how good you are at it, coming back together as friends is always better after a clean break to reestablish your own path.

Also, give the lady a break. What are the chances that she’s not as much jealous or in your business as she is worried?

Imagine waking up wondering where someone is at dawn. No call, no text, just an empty house. Update her or tell her in advance not to expect you. It’s common courtesy whether you’re exes or not.

You should consider whether you’re taking advantage of the poor gal, because hey by the way, you totally are. You said it yourself: It’s her house. Just like your parents told you back in the day, her rules. And until you get out of there, it’s kind of her business.

Finally, you say she needs to move on. So do you.

The good news is that you seem ready to hit the town without him. The bad news is that you can go out every night into your new life, and still come home to your old situation. Make plans and move.



I think my mom might be co-dependent. We’re best buds, and she loves hanging out with my gaggle of gays. Lately, I’ve been having visions of still living with her in 40 years with dozens of cats and no life except each other. Help!


Dear Grey Gardens:

There’s nothing wrong with being one of the thousands of gay men who have close relationships with their mothers. Try creating some distance and see if it suits you better. You can always go back and start a cat farm later.

Illustration by Brad Gibson

The Q is intended for entertainment purposes and not as professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]. This column first appeared in Q magazine, which you can read below.