Flirting, cheating, Grindr, cybersex, and lies of omission

Who you sleep with is your business, but who you keep it from matters. Lies of omission about who you’re doing, or who you’re flirting with can show the one being fooled is you.


I didn’t plan it, but after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend a couple months ago, I started hooking up with her best friend. We’re having a good time, but we’re keeping it hush-hush for obvious reasons.

We want to stay friends with my ex, but we’re afraid if she finds out, we could both lose her forever. She might think we were both interested all along, and I swear that’s not why I broke up with her.

She’s a good person and doesn’t deserve the drama. What should we do?

Dear Drama:

So you’re sleeping with your ex’s bestie, and you’re hiding it to keep a lid on drama? No. It’s to save you from dealing with it and letting the drama stew.

You can either decide that some temporary fun isn’t worth your friendships, or choose to give it a go for a possible future together. What you can’t do is to keep it quiet.

Tell your ex before she finds out on his own, which she will. You might lose her, but it’s her call, not yours. You might also gain some personal integrity.



I’m in a monogamous relationship, but sometimes I find myself downloading Grindr and chatting up strangers.

My profile says I’m just interested in friends, but sometimes I exchange pics or let conversations go over the flirting line. Way over. Like, Facetime seshes.

I would never cheat, but a friend says what I’m already doing is cheating. I say it’s just fantasy. Who’s right?

Dear Cheating:

It’s not what you’re doing. It’s how it makes you feel. On their own, hookup apps are innocuous. Trouble comes if you break your relationship agreements, wonder out loud about it with others, or keep secrets from your partner. You’ve done all three.

Instead of airing your dirty laundry with friends, have an honest conversation with the person who needs to know: your partner. Does your relationship agreement need adjusting? Would certain changes eliminate your urge for virtual sex? Does either of you mind if the other cruises Grindr?

Solve those, and I won’t make you answer how you “find yourself” on Grindr, like you just woke up and Mr. Hyde had taken over your body.

The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This column appeared in Project Q Atlanta's weekly print publication, Q magazine. Read the full issue below.