Every cause has a march, so why not one to raise funds and awareness to eradicate homosexuality? Of course it would take place in Marietta and benefit the Cobb County Evangelical Hospital. So gay. So faux.
The Onion lent its satirical wit to the creation of the 5th annual Walk to Cure Gayness and penned a breathtaking report from Sunday’s march, complete with signs, participants and family members lamenting the loss of ones they loved to homosexuality.
“Today’s walk marks another important step in our continuing battle to make gayness a thing of the past,” said hospital president Kenneth P. Strickland, who like many in attendance was wearing a gray ex-gay-awareness ribbon. “Thanks to the groundbreaking research these events make possible, perhaps in 10 or 15 years people who realize they’re attracted to members of their own gender can have a shot at leading long, heterosexual lives in the eyes of God.”
For the sake of transparency, hospital officials let participants know that their donations will help fund the purchase of state-of-the-art equipment to cure gayness, remodeling its outdated physical therapy center and building a new gay pediatric wing.
According to sources, a significant portion of the funding will go toward the purchase of new state-of-the-art gayness treatment equipment such as the YHWH-500, a device that holds one’s eyelids open while a patient is forced to read biblical passages denouncing the abomination of homosexuality, and administers a strong electric shock anytime one feels the urge to masturbate to an image of the same sex.
It’s a brilliant takedown from the Onion, hitting a little too close to reality for the Atlanta suburb. Cobb, after all, is the same place facing a runoff election on Tuesday that features the come-back effort of a guy whose anti-gay bent helped the county lose its status as an Olympic venue in 1996. Bill Byrne should be grand marshal for next year’s Walk to Cure Gayness. Or this guy.